In the most recent occurrence of a growing epidemic, an undoubtedly ashamed sensor-automated toilet flusher has come prematurely.
The toilet in question—which is located within a second floor men’s restroom in the pristine, contemporary Kohl Center and is one of hundreds throughout this location—regarded its user’s mild initial movement towards the toilet paper as the cue that he had finished, was overcome with the excitement to flush, and, alas, came prematurely. This caused a presumptuous “up-splash” of sorts, victimizing yet another innocent restroom visitor.
Cardinal reporters on the scene caught up with the offended, who requested to stay anonymous.
“It makes you feel violated and insecure,” Victim X said. “It’s the halftime rush—what do you think the twenty guys waiting outside the stall are thinking when they hear four flushes before I even exit?”
The digital sensor flush was seen as an awe-inspiring, cutting-edge technological revolution in the public restroom scene just a half-decade ago, but has increasingly been perceived as more harmful than beneficial, consistently embarrassing itself and alarming its human occupant in the process.
“It feels like a bidet, but more rapey,” another victim explained. “All I want is a dry bum, but it just makes my bum wet again.”
Experts hypothesize that because these toilet technologies are still relatively new—thus understandably eager—they might still need some time to get acquainted with the rhythms and patterns of bathroom-goers before they are confident and comfortable enough to know the right time to flush.
“We understand that critics believe this is happening far too often to validate these devices’ existence,” Dr. Jasper Withey, Director of the University of Wisconsin Holtz Center for Science & Technology Studies, told The Daily Cardinal. “But allow me to remind you that light bulbs, silly putty and tacos made out of Doritos were thought to be futile innovations as well, and take a look at them.”
At press time, Dr. Withey was being sprayed due to a premature sensor-activated flush for the first time, subsequently vowing to personally eradicate all of those merciless entrapments.
