Citing mental anguish, leading to deep, widespread physical pain, as well as “spiritual devastation,” Oshkosh, Wisconsin resident-drunk Thomas Giles, 42, has reported to local media that he is ‘Questionable’ for getting absolutely shit-housed during Sunday’s NFL finale.
Giles, a ‘cheesehead’ since birth and an avid binge-drinker, has been through a physiological and psychological “hell-roller-coaster” since his Packers went down to the Seahawks two Sundays ago, self-diagnosing a multitude of ailments along the way and claiming that if there aren’t immediate, rapid improvements, he won’t be able to get “super-duper fucked up” and reach his typical Super Bowl Sunday blackout drunk levels.
“I want to get out there and binge-drink. I want to perform, I want to get unreasonably hammered, and I want to compete,” Giles told Cardinal reporters. “But, my body is aging, and my heart is just too broken from that demoralizing loss for me to turn around and attain the same staggering B.A.C. that friends and family have come to expect.”
Shattered heart, depressed spirit, “totally fucked” psyche, collapsed liver, torn rotator cuff, sprained torso, twisted knee, numerous slipped discs, and “head just hurts” are only a handful of the thirty-some specific injuries that Giles has released to the public via his lifestyle blog, ‘Thomas Time’ over the past 10 days.
By The Numbers: This would be the first season in the past 27 that Giles — self-proclaimed “Cal Ripken Junior of getting lit up on Super Bowl Sunday” — hasn’t eclipsed a 0.15 B.A.C. for the big game.
“I want to do it. I want to be a hero and role model for everyone out there watching,” Giles stated in his most recent press conference. “I want to get all-out pickled; slurring my speech by the coin toss, outright stumbling by halftime and making overt, aggressive sexual advances at the wives of my closest friends and strangers alike by the fourth quarter.”
At press time, Giles had just posted to his blog that once the special day comes around, he might be able to muster up the courage to “down a few Miller Lites,” and he hopes that potential bartenders won’t irresponsibly over-serve him.
