It’s time for another week of Badger Babe bubble blowing! My queer friend Carmen Sandiego is here to talk about who and what she likes in da bedroom, and what campus is like for someone who lives to love the ladies. She has a lot to say so let’s jump right in!
Alex: How do you identify in your sexuality?
Carmen: I currently identify as a lesbian, but that does change from time to time. I’ve been bisexual in the past. I’d actually say I’m a lesbian with heterosexual moments.
Alex: Is that decided by what happens in that moment? Like, if you’re with a hot dude and you start banging, is that a “heterosexual moment,” or do you ever fantasize about it, are you ever interested in it? How does that work?
Carmen: Part of it’s that I foresee myself ending up with a chick. I’ll never go away from that. But then when the moment is there, it’s definitely a matter of personality. It definitely comes down to if we’re in the moment, it happens. It’s never “I’m going to go after this man” in general.
Last summer, I’d have sex with men because we were such good friends. It was like, “Why not give each other a screaming orgasm” because we’re such good friends.
Alex: Cool! So what kind of personality is attractive to you?
Carmen: I’m a firm believer that confidence is the most attractive trait in someone. Even though it could tip being arrogant or fake. If someone’s confident about who they are or what they’re doing, if they have passion—whatever it is, even if it’s just, “I wrote a paper and I’m really proud of it”—it sounds very silly but I’m glad you can be proud of yourself. Finding the line between being arrogant and just knowing you’re an awesome person is extremely attractive.
Alex: It is attractive but it’s hard!
Carmen: That’s part of the reason it’s so attractive. So many people strive for it but when you, like, get it. Then it’s like ugh! So hot.
Alex: Would you consider yourself more of a relationship person or a hookup person, and does being queer affect that at all?
Carmen: I’m trying to figure that out myself, to be honest with you. I was in a very serious relationship for a long time, very monogamous, very much just us for a year and a half. Then I did this wild child for a while, and now I’m trying to find a balance between that “wild child” and being married at 20.
I think different people are valuable—and I hate using that word—but I think different people can complete a person in different ways, and it’s very difficult to find just one person who can do all of that. But being queer makes me more vocal about my wants, because with my friends or in classes I take, I talk like that. Because I’ve had to explore my sexual orientation and how I choose to express myself, it’s brought up conversations and made me explore what I want in relationships.
Alex: What would make someone worth being in a relationship with?
Carmen: There’s gotta be substantial equality. I know there are power dynamics in relationships, but it can’t feel, like, unequal. I should mention I’m really into the chase, so that’s probably why I’m really into hookups right now. I’m into going after people and seeing how awesome they are and doing random romantic or sexual gestures. I’m really big into that.
It takes a very interesting person. They have to challenge me without being a jerk about it. It’s so difficult to describe. I feel like I can’t necessarily answer that because I’m not sure what I’m looking for. But they gotta be hot.
Alex: And that’s hard for anyone around our age to answer completely. I have a question about roles in relationships that aren’t heterosexual. Do you think traditional gender roles are taken in queer or lesbian relationships?
Carmen: I remember being in one relationship where it was, the person I was dating was like, “You’re the boy and I’m the girl,” and that didn’t bother me at first, but as time went on I was like, “Mmm, that bothers me.” In general that’s not really the case, unless people want it to be the case. It’s not as common with people I know anymore, especially since we’ve all taken classes where we say, “Aah fuck the patriarchy!” But in my experience we’re pretty lax about it.
But, the majority of older couples I know, in their 40s or 50s with kids, there’s the breadwinner and the homemaker. They do have those roles. I know a couple where one’s “Dad” and one’s “Daddy.” Even though they don’t line up with how their relationship is, that was just easier.
The majority of queer people I hang out with try not to gender their roles. We want to be like, “No!” We’re queer and we don’t need to fall into these specific roles. To be fair, the majority of straight couples I know try not to take on those gender roles either. I don’t know if that’s a generational thing, a Madison thing or just the people who I hang out with.
Alex: What’s it like being a queer person on this campus?
Carmen: We have a lot of cool resources that are super dope. We have an LGBT Certificate where we just get to talk about queer shit all the time. Madison’s pretty respectful of all orientations and genders and stuff, plus we have Plan B and Drag Shows so they can echo how people feel. I know other people on other campuses don’t feel that way at all, which is kinda sad.
I came out in high school but I became more comfortable with my sexuality here in Madison, and that’s huge.
Alex: Can we talk a little bit about sex? Everyone wants to know… What is lesbian sex like?
Carmen: It’s awesome. I love it, it’s my favorite hobby. So certain acts at certain times are and are not sex. Like fingering, fingering is sometimes foreplay or sometimes sex. It really depends what’s going on based on different moments. Basically whatever gets an orgasm, which is a loose definition, but that’s sex. It’s pretty much whatever anybody wants.
This is about to get really graphic, and that’s fine because we’re not putting my name on this! So I strapped for the first time—
Alex: That’s “fucked your partner with a strap-on dildo,” right?
Carmen: Right. So that was new for me. It was different and interesting, it was strapping sex and it definitely isn’t necessary for sex. I feel like the majority of queer women I’m with, oral is kinda where it’s at oftentimes. There’s often a marathon effect, so you either finger or go down on someone or both and then when they’re all hot and heavy and good, the other person does the other one.
The last time I had sex, it went on for over an hour. A solid hour of real work. You never know when to stop because you want to “return the favor”—and that’s an awesome reciprocity that always ends up happening with the people I’m hooking up with—but it usually ends with each person doing the other at the same time.
Alex: Those are all of my questions! Anything you want to talk about?
Carmen: First of all, going down on a girl can get messy. Someone once told me, “If your eyebrows don’t get wet, you’re not doing it right.”
Next, let’s talk about scissoring! Scissoring can be awesome but it’s not the end-all be-all. The people I know, that isn’t their go-to for sex. I’ve never gotten off completely with scissoring, but it’s cool that you can be up against your partner that way. It’s good to lead into something else. Oral, fingering and sex toys can be incorporated into sex way more often than scissoring.
Finally, butt stuff. I don’t know very many chicks who are into butt stuff. I’ve done some butt stuff, I’ve never had a conversation like “Oh yes eat my ass,” unless they really like Nicki Minaj. It can be fun but it’s definitely not crucial.
Follow-up questions for the elusive Ms. Sandiego? Email sex@dailycardinal.com and Alex will hook you up with the answers you deserve!
