INDIO, Calif.—Sources within the California Natural Resources Agency confirmed Wednesday that the state’s last usable water was spent cleansing someone’s anus at the Coachella Music Festival.
About halfway through the weekend, when it became apparent there wouldn’t be enough water to last until the end, festival organizers made the executive decision to reroute the remaining supply to the VIP area, where it was needed most.
“We knew the situation was desperate,” event coordinator Rayner Macintosh, said. “But we didn’t think the water would shut off mid-wash.”
Drake, Sunday’s headliner, reportedly made passive-aggressive remarks to organizers about undesired chafing due to the lack of a functioning bidet. Disgruntled VIPs and artists were forced to use double ply for the festival’s final 24 hours.
“I knew letting AC/DC flood the crowd because they ‘wanted to relive their Monsters of Rock days’ was a bad idea,” VIP Cara Lyn Woznieki said. “People really need to consider how their actions affect others.”
Andy will be making an appearance at every big summer music festival this summer to monitor their resource usage. Stay informed with his Twitter account, https://twitter.com/viralnickcage.
