Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”
Several close passersby, as well as a few other gaggles of lingering classmates, caught this verbal gaffe, chuckling and pointing as the downright agonized culprit scurried out of class in horrified shame.
Markhoff was intending to approach Organic Chemistry professor Dr. Anne Becker—and address her as such—following class to ask a simple question regarding the upcoming midterm.
Alas, now the rightfully embarrassed little boy who is evidently not mature enough for the big college stage will have to pay the social, academic and possibly professional price of his fuck-up, through to the end of days.
“I mean, there’s just no way that kid gets laid anytime soon…I’ll tell you that much,” classmate, former friend and fellow sophomore Jacob Lawrence told The Daily Cardinal. “He should just pray that this campus forgets about it by Fall semester.”
There was no word from the distressed man/boy himself, but it would be no surprise if Markhoff’s immediate move was to run straight home, cut all ties with the university and proceed to “get the hell out of Dodge,” as the old adage goes.
However, we were able to catch up with the other side of the equation—Professor Becker—who attempted to shed some light on the vocal blunder heard ‘round the world.
“It’s actually very understandable… I’m a figure of authority to these kids, and some of them are 18, 19 years old and missing that maternal figure that they cherished for so long,” Becker told Cardinal reporters. “Sure, Allen may get called a ‘pussy,’ or a ‘wimp,’ or any other such variation for the next few months, but it’s all the natural course of things.”
At press time, a rattled Markhoff was probably laying safely in his room, Skyping his [real] mother back home for a bedtime story and virtual tucking-in.
Call Brett 'Mom' intentionally on Twitter at https://twitter.com/yaboyklink.
