Apple Inc. was recently ordered to pay the University of Wisconsin $234 million for infringing on a patent. Although this is far lower than the original reported $862 million, it’s still a substantial sum. Much of the money will presumably go back to the Wisconsin Alumni Research Foundation and be reinvested in research. But why not consider some more fun options.
Expedite the Memorial Union construction
Though the university already invested $52 million in the renovation of the Union, maybe a little more money could help speed along the process. Though it may seem like it’s pouring more funds into an already expensive project, people will regret it when the first day of spring comes, and students aren’t able to listen to live music and enjoy Babcock ice cream while watching the sun set over Lake Mendota. Maybe then they’ll wish they had chipped in a few dollars to expedite the process. Or a few million dollars.
Lower out-of-state tuition
OK, you got me. I’m an out-of-state student. I’m biased. But hear me out here. When out-of-state tuition is raised, fewer students will be able to afford the school, thus fewer will apply. As a result, the university will have to lower its standards and accept a higher percentage of out-of-staters. Both of these statistics will reflect poorly on the university. Incoming out-of-state freshmen this year are now forced to pay $27,000 more over four years than they would have had to pay before the tuition hike. This amounts to an extra year of tuition, something prohibitively expensive for some families.
Invest in two-ply
Certain parts of living in the dorms are to be expected. Sharing a room with (usually) a complete stranger, living away from the comforts and cooking of home and having to wear shoes at all hours of the day are all rites of passage. A line must be drawn, however, at the rough, single-ply toilet paper. We should only have to sacrifice so much.
Take Babcock ice cream to the next level
Admittedly, the ideas become even more wildly implausible from here on out. But here it goes. We all believe that Babcock ice cream is the best in the world. Why don’t we put our money where our mouth is? That’s right: Expand to markets nationwide, and watch the money roll in. This idea may be the most viable—though still extremely unlikely—because it’s the only one with the capacity to gain back some of the exorbitant funds being spent.
Pink flamingos for all
Over homecoming week, plastic pink flamingos were plastered on Bascom as a physical manifestation of generous donations made by the community. Ironically, students looking for a souvenir pilfered the very same birds that represented the university’s generosity. Giving everyone a free one would please the masses, and quell the chronic thieving of our city’s beloved official bird.
No more smelly grass
Legends have been told of the pungent grasses endemic to the Lakeshore area. Rumor has it they’re kept there to help keep away mosquitoes. But exterminators and other mosquito treatment services will do the same. Only without, you know, the horrible stench.
Bascom ski lift
Admittedly, this one would be a little tough to get approved. But who wouldn’t love to plop down onto the seat and get escorted up the hill, watching the beautiful Madison landscape as you take the 20 second ride to the top? Tell me that wouldn’t be a great use of money.
Sebastian van Bastelaer is a freshman studying environmental studies and political science. What are some other ways that you think the money could be spent? Send all concerns to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
