Don’t call it a comeback.
No, seriously guys, actually don’t—we haven’t even left. We Cardinalistas have been camped out at Vilas Park since the last time the The Badger Herald tried to challenge us in the glorious game of flag football, ensuring we stay at peak performance.
Editor-in-Beef Jim “Schoolboy J” Dayton wants to make sure everyone knows just how often he has been at the SERF in preparation for Saturday’s face-off.
Dayton has also kept a strict tuna-only diet in recent weeks, tearing each can open with his teeth to channel his inner aggression.
When asked how he feels the Cardinal stands against the Herald, Dayton said, “Sorry, what was the question? I was just at the SERF, I didn’t catch that.”
The Cardinal crew is in good hands under the direction of head coaches Zach “Call Me Rasty” Rastall and Jake Powers.
The duo has developed a revolutionary defensive strategy for this year which involves capturing the other team in a web made of duct tape.
“Have you guys seen this stuff? It’s good for anything: crafting, adventuring, eating, you name it!” Powers said, while using the sticky substance to repair a hole in his blazer.
Cardinalistas have found a secret weapon this year in running back Negassi Tesfamichael, mostly out of necessity.
“I have like 10 interviews and three TED talks Saturday so we really just need to get this game over with as soon as possible,” Tesfamichael said, while simultaneously eating, working and finding a cure for cancer.
Lorin Cox is hoping to harness his own talents of distraction to contribute to a big win. Fueled by chocolate soy milk, Cox has been using the past months to practice the ever-so-delicate art of placing both feet behind his head at once.
“Honestly, I don’t know how this relates to football,” Cox said. “But there’s like a 90 percent chance you’ll see me doing this Saturday.”
Bri “I’m Not Mad That’s Just My Face” Maas has been adding to the hype in her own artistic way, tattooing Cardinal decals on (somewhat) willing writers. Maas was last seen inking “Cardinal or GTFO” onto the forehead of a nervous freshman.
Adelina Yankova and Conor Murphy have been spearheading Dayton’s chug-off training, pushing the editor to throw back at least 20 cups of Keystone every five minutes.
“We’ve gone through about 20 kegs today... so far,” Murphy said at the last practice. “The only thing we have to worry about is when we’re going to infiltrate the Herald’s keg.”
At a recent warm-up, John Joutras started scaling rocks to ensure his agility stays top-notch. Unfortunately, he got distracted and wandered off to Henry Vilas Zoo. It’s still unclear whether or not he will return in time for Saturday.
Fullback and self-proclaimed “P.O.S.” Kaitlyn Veto said she’s prepared to play dirty if the game turns rowdy, noting she’s “pretty chill” with breaking some bones. However, the likelihood of both Veto and Emily Gerber playing Saturday is bleak, seeing as each player has been sick for an estimated 10 years cumulatively.
Winning isn’t always easy. When you’re a Cardinalista, however, it just comes naturally.
“Bruh,” Dayton grunted. “This game is ours.”
