The 1980 U.S. national hockey team. The 1996 Chicago Bulls. The 1927 New York Yankees.
Each of these teams are etched in history, but as of Saturday at 2:15 p.m., one more team has established itself in the rankings: the 2015 Cardinalistas.
The Mighty Birds soared into a well-deserved 35-28 triumph over The Badger Herald in the annual flag football game, while also defeating their keg, copious bottles of wine and all other kinds of alcohol imaginable in the meantime.
After last year’s photo finish, Jim “I Rode A Mechanical Bull Once” Dayton beat out Herald editor-in-chief Aliya Iftikhar at the chug off, proving he was unphased by the subtle and soft-spoken attempts at smack talk.
Dayton continued to lead the charge throughout the day, assuring concerned parties that his spike in energy was not due to cocaine use, but rather “a nice glass of orange juice” that morning.
“Bruh, it’s just grit,” Dayton said. (Your guess is as good as ours as to what that means.)
Quarterback and MVP Ethan Levy surprised everyone present (including the group of stragglers that increased as the game went on) with his speed, agility and the fact that he literally did a front flip into the endzone. Guys, like, that actually happened.
Kara “Nothing Phases Me” Evenson, despite having recently broken/twisted/sprained her ankle, joined Jen Wagman, Ellie Herman and Kaitlyn Veto in representing the female faction of the team.
“Oh, this?” Evenson said, pointing to the bone sticking out of her ankle. “That’s nothing, you just gotta drink until you don’t feel it.”
Defensive lineman and resident hype man Maxted Lenz had a busy day himself, after getting a sack, proclaiming for the next 20 minutes that he got a sack, then explaining to Emily Gerber what exactly a “sack” is.
Color commentary was a new feature this year, courtesy of Theda Berry, who assured spectators whenever “a thing just happened” and engaged all by asking “how many numbers ahead are we now?”
Dylan Anderson joined in on sideline morale, serving as the unofficial mascot of the day in his red octopus onesie.
The victory did not come without sacrifice, however: Tommy Valtin-Erwin spent his post game tending to a broken thumb, while Jake Powers (less vocally) spent Saturday nursing a bruised hand. Both, however, assured all with a wink that “women love scars.”
Will Chizek left the game needing a neck brace, but doctors are uncertain whether the injury resulted from the actual game or the excessive twerking in the post-game dance off.
Bri Maas, Conor Murphy and Jonah “I’m Still Relevant” Beleckis also contributed to the dance off, proving that not only do Cardinalistas dominate at football, they are pretty kick-ass dancers, too.
At press time, Dayton was still talking about the arms he was bearing.
