Local 12-year-old Eli Gardner asked a mall Santa Claus if he could receive puberty for Christmas this year.
The pre-teen repeatedly communicated that his only request for a gift this holiday season was for his body to begin sexual maturation and rapid growth.
“I don’t have a single hair on my junk,” Gardner told fascinated Cardinal reporters. “My friend Peter is six feet tall and my cousin Daniel sings bass, and they are both my age.”
Gardner’s requests were made to a Santa Claus impersonator employed by the shopping mall, who was visibly perplexed by the request. However, Rick Jennings, 64, told Gardner he would try to pull some strings.
“I couldn’t tell if he knew I’m actually just an actor. What was I supposed to do? I mean, if the kid thinks Santa’s real he probably has no idea how puberty works,” Jennings said. “I can’t blame his sentiments though. I was a late bloomer myself.”
Gardner’s mother was within earshot for the entire engagement, and insists that she has informed her son that Santa Claus is a fictional character.
“I’ve definitely told Eli the truth about Santa,” Susan Gardner said. “I thought he was joking when he said he wanted to sit on his lap. I don’t know where he got the idea for this crazy stunt. I’ll talk to him about it in the car on the way home.”
Gardner assured reporters that the request was not a prank.
“I’m serious. I’m sick of sounding like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Some girls in my class already have boobs. You think they’re gonna want to go out with a guy who’s shorter than them?” Gardner continued. “I’ve been praying for my growth spurt for months, and since God didn’t help me I thought maybe Santa would. Two years ago I asked him for Call of Duty: Ghosts and that turned out pretty well.”
