This week we’re talking about dormcest. It’s way less creepy than incest, but there is also less famous literature about it (“As I Lay Dying,” anyone?).
When bunches of young adults looking to “find themselves” are crammed in the same living space for nine months, dormcest becomes inevitable. Context clues probably make this obvious, but “dormcest” is a made up term (not by me, by someone who is not me) that refers to the hooking up of individuals who inhabit the same university dormitory (in the biggest dorms, the term “floorcest” is more fitting). As budding young freshmen taking on campus for the first time, more than one of us most likely dreamed of meeting a special someone in our dorm or on our floor. It’s hard not to fantasize about the convenience and charm that would come with casually running into a cutie pie whilst wrapped in a towel (*gasp* so embarrassing and unintentional, *wink, wink, giggle, giggle*), or exchanging glances while studying in the den. But, what started as flirting and fun can sometimes transform into constant avoidance and hurt feelings.
There is no reason not to get jiggy with fellow dorm dwellers, but there are a few tricks of the trade to help avoid turning dorms into walk-in skeleton closets.
Do:
- Establish some type of friendship prior to removing the many layers of clothing this frigid season demands. Being on steady ground with someone as a person before interacting with their genitals is always a good idea, but especially in this setting. Meeting someone at a party leaves the option for never interacting again, but taking the train to pound town with an individual who frequents the same living space means maintaining a certain level of maturity. Many a college kiddo stumbles upon the situation of hooking up with someone and later realizing their personality or general presence is not that pleasing; running into that someone every day will only reinforce feelings of regret. A dorm hookup doesn’t have to be “the one,” but the thought (or sight) of them shouldn’t induce wincing, either.
- Have a conversation about what to say when everyone comes asking. It’s hard to be discreet when it comes to kicking people out of rooms or not coming back to one’s room for the night. Getting sexy with a dorm buddy doesn’t have to be the whole dorm’s business, but being on the same page with said hookup will minimize rumors as much as possible. If one person tells people “we’re just friends” and the other tells people “we’ll be betrothed by Wednesday,” there are bound to be whispers. Establishing clarity in the relationship, even if all that means is agreeing to keep things casual, is important for everyone involved.
- Set up a system with roommates for what happens when one or the other of you is looking to get lucky. Bringing it up ahead of time, rather than springing it on them in the moment, is much more considerate and, like Granny used to say, “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” If asking a roommate for the room for the evening is out of the question, cross those fingers and hope that sweetie has a more understanding bunk bed buddy.
- Tread carefully when it comes to hooking up with more than one person from the dorm. There’s nothing at all wrong with it, but as mentioned before, people talk. Word will most likely get around and that could create sticky situations with past flings. Unintentionally hurting other’s feelings is sometimes an unfortunate fact of life, but if it can be avoided it should be.
Don't:
- Constantly sexile a roommate. Sexiling is a term, again made up by someone other than me, that describes the experience of one roommate booting another roommate out for the night so sex stuff can happen. When it happens once or twice, a rommie might be pretty understanding and willing to sleep on a friend’s futon, but they should not be expected to do this all the time.
- Get too comfortable and decide it’s okay to try to be “sneaky” and have sex while a roommate is still in the room. Dorm rooms are not very big and those sounds are unmistakable (restraining moans is not good enough). Regardless of whether a roommate is a light sleeper sure to be traumatized, or a rock who doesn’t wake up for anything, it is never okay to have relations without the consent of everyone in the room—even if a third party isn’t actively participating. I very rarely recommend keeping things in one’s pants, but if no other private location is available, it is an unfortunate requirement.
- Let a hottie from down the hall hold you back from doing you. Having a consistent friend with benefits can be nice and fun, but if it is getting in the way of school or friends or anything else, it isn’t worth it. College is a time of self exploration, which means diving into academics and clubs, making new friends and generally doing one’s own thing—if things are going well but simply taking up too much time, ask for a little space. Living in such close quarters can be overwhelming enough on its own, there shouldn’t be pressure to constantly hang out with someone just because you’ve seen them naked.
Recap: Flirting and hooking up with people from dorms is oftentimes a super fun part of college experiences, but remembering to communicate in order to stay on the same page will save many a dramatic falling out. Being considerate of roommate’s space and privacy is important to keep the hostility to a minimum. Most importantly, never forget the sage advice of one Justin Drew Bieber by remembering to “love yourself.”
Wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Anna has no clue, but she does know a lot about other sexy topics and would be happy to talk about that at sex@dailycardinal.com.
