Well Badgers, spring is upon us. People are coming out of hibernation, the sun is shining and the hoverboards are back in action. By now, I am sure you have all seen these sideways, glorified ripsticks zooming around town. When I was researching them online, I found one that was “aerodynamic,” matte purple and included a built-in Bluetooth speaker as well as a “free carry bag.” If you don't think that will up your street cred then stay on the internet and find literally anything else on the market. Curveball: I think hoverboards are stupid.
First, they are so expensive. Honestly you guys, I feel an emptiness in my heart when I drop 10 bucks on Topperstix. Hoverboards cost hundreds of dollars. That takes “treat yo self” to a whole new level. There are so many better things to spend your money on! Take yourself out to a nice dinner or buy yourself a quality massage. Better yet, save that money to spend on spring break with your friends. Or what if you even donated the money to your favorite charity? I truly cannot stop thinking of better things to throw hundreds of dollars at. I’ll spare the rest of you, but for those of you shopping for hoverboards, shoot me a fax.
Second, really? I am guilty of joking that Bascom Hill should be converted into an escalator, but is walking really that much of a burden? Staying fit in college can be challenging, but you are not making it easier on yourself by refusing to manually transport yourself down the street. It really cannot be that much faster. And what if it crashes or malfunctions? You've got a safety hazard on your hands, all because you didn't want to walk two blocks. I have not yet watched someone try to scoot uphill on one of those contraptions, but I cannot imagine those things have much capacity for any incline less or greater than 180 degrees. Please, don’t keep yourself from enjoying and utilizing the built-in exercise that we are granted by living in this city.
Third, Wisconsin. I cannot think of a worse place to own a piece of machinery that you stand on with nothing holding you or protecting you as you slip down slick streets. If you think you’ve mastered hover-balance, try taking that thing for a whirl on the frozen Lake Mendota. Let's put it this way; I’ve lived in Minnesota my whole life, and I don’t own a pair of snow boots or, frankly, any footwear with traction. That's dumb. Voluntarily putting wheels under your feet when the sidewalk is covered in ice is dumber. Let’s be practical during our eight-month winter.
So, spend your money on something worthwhile. You will get much more use out of seven trips to Fresh Market or a semester’s worth of textbooks. I promise to buy snow boots next year if you all promise to find a different mode of transportation (such as walking).
