“Anotha one:” a sentiment frequented by DJ Khaled, but solidified into history by Jim Dayton and the victorious Cardinalistas.
The Majestic Birds regained their rightful title Saturday in an exciting 7-5 softball victory over The Badger Hairball.
After a millennial-focused pep talk courtesy of the house connoisseur himself, Dayton successfully led his team to “bring da house down.”
“I think the major key of this win was doing nothing but eating, sleeping and breathing softball for the past four months,” Dayton said, still racking his brain to determine how one spends $9 on Rocky Rococo’s. “You really have to let it consume you.”
The strongest moment for the Cardinalistas came halfway through the game. After losing their lead in the top of the third inning, the Birds flew together as a team and scored a whopping six runs.
The victory did not come without casualty, however.
Social Media Guru Bridget Driscoll is suffering from a currently undiagnosed illness, most likely stemming from all the ill tweets she sent out Saturday.
Miller Jozwiak barely left Vilas Park in one piece, after a failed attempt at nursing a previous night’s hangover with queso. Officials are still trying to figure out why he thought melted cheese would make his stomach feel better, not worse.
In a post-game interview, the Badger Hairball’s Kevin “Cardinal Girls are Cuter” Castro said his back hurt from carrying the team. However, his Cardinal counterpart Kaitlyn “Still a POS” Veto said Castro’s biggest contribution to the day was giving her hot dogs and chips.
The day’s MVP award went to Amileah “Hide Yo Kids” Sutliff, as she brought the most enthusiasm and spirit to the event… and likely the most booze. When not shakin’ her “thang,” Sutliff could be found taking long pulls out of various wine bottles and even doing the splits.
Alternately, Sam Coutu won the “Least Spirited” award. When asked to comment, he said, “Ugh.”
Conor McGinnis and Sam Wagner spent the entirety of the game trying to boost their own morale after being sorely defeated by the keg, and Negassi “This Is What The Shirt Looks Like I Swear” Tesfamichael took the rest of the afternoon off to sadly dry off.
Unfortunately, opinion editors Cal Weber and and Jack Kelly decided to sit this game out for fear that they’d be “too fun” for the crowd… and because any added time together could end poorly. John “Just Do It” Joutras also sat this game out, notifying teammates at 12:21 p.m. that he decided to “go climbing at Devil’s Lake.” It’s safe to say nobody was surprised.
“It was a hard fought game, led wonderfully by me, head coach Zach Rastall,” said Jake “Make It Rasty” Powers, while sipping on frozen soy milk and walking toward the SERF. “It was v sport. Live, love, Cardinal.”
