Aside from Yeezy’s The Life of Pablo and Donald Trump’s tumultuous demise, nothing has been more widely anticipated these past few months than this Saturday’s annual softball face-off between The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald.
“I haven’t slept in weeks,” said Sam “Don’t Call Me Peter” Coutu, while donning yet another Michigan sweater and shooting back his 10th coffee of the day.
Cardinalistas have spent the past few weeks practicing their hitting, throwing and chugging skills in a dedicated effort to finally send The Badger Hairball to its grave.
Jim “I’m Way Too Into This” Dayton said he’s prepared to “bring the house down” Saturday, citing his own personal expertise.
“Did you see that graphic I made?” Dayton said. “I think it’s pretty clear I know a thing or two about houses.”
Incoming editor-in-chief Theda “Fuck Up Some Commas” Berry said she’s definitely focused on winning...but she’s just a little preoccupied about font choice for the Cardinal’s shirt.
“Here, I just want you to look at this font!” Berry urged. “I have like 40 fonts I want to show you real quick that are just so beautiful!”
Both Berry and incoming managing editor Negassi “Remember When I Gave That TED Talk” Tesfamichael have been developing a strategy for the game, and have decided that when it comes to the chug-off, they’re going to split the drink.
“I think we can win this thing if I take a sip, then Theda takes a sip, then I take a sip...you get the picture,” Tesfamichael said. “I think this’ll just really hit home the whole ‘teamwork’ thing, ya know?”
Resident “Badass Bitches” Ellie Borstad and Betsy Osterberger are prepared to pull out all the stops in order to defeat The Hairball, even if that means playing dirty.
“I’ve got brass knuckles, nunchucks, ninja stars...Whatever you’re scared of, we’ve got it,” Osterberger said, while sharpening her running cleats.
“People think we’re nice,” Borstad added, spitting on the ground. “We’ll show you nice.”
Denzel Taylor and Amileah Sutliff really want to contribute to a Cardinal victory, and have begun drafting a pre-game pep talk to rile up the team. However, after days of preparation, the two arts editors were still in deep conversation with their staff about what the best movie of all time is and why.
At press time, the certainty of having Almasnack editors Noah Mack and Liam Hutchison on the field this weekend was still unclear. The two have expressed a preferred interest in taking the afternoon to do investigative research at Henry Vilas Zoo for forthcoming animal reviews.
When asked about his strategy for the game, Sam “No YOU’RE Hipster” Wagner emphasized his skill of...walking.
“I don’t know, I’m good at walking. I pace sometimes,” Wagner said. “Maybe I can pace between all the bases?”
The rest of news team has said they’re going to try to make it Saturday, but they’re all pretty bogged down with event coverage, writing investigative pieces and producing features on features on features. Also, Miller “RIP Allen Joz” Jozwiak is boycotting Vilas Park for its smoke-free premises.
April 16 will be a day that will live in infamy, and Dayton can hardly contain himself.
“The Cardinal has been around for 124 years, bro,” Dayton said, crushing a Schlitz can against his forehead. “This Saturday will only be another glorious moment in our history.”
