After watching Wisconsin demolish Michigan State in East Lansing, Jim Harbaugh stormed into athletic director Warde Manuel’s office demanding that he get every Michigan celebrity at the game this Saturday.
“I want Jeter, I want Brady, I want Phelps,” said an irate Harbaugh. “Wisconsin is gonna give us all they got and we need all the winning mojo we can get.”
Manuel, unprepared for the outburst, struggled to explain why this simply isn’t possible. Tom Brady would be in New England preparing for his game Sunday, and Michael Phelps was nearly impossible to book this late in the game, he told Harbaugh.
Clad in his gameday khakis, Harbaugh became purple in the face upon hearing this and threw a chair across Manuel’s office.
“Well if you can’t get those guys, can you at least try to get Madonna, James Earl Jones and the Fab Five?” Harbaugh asked.
Now better composed, Manuel calmly explained that he would try to do his best, but that it was pretty unlikely that they could make it on such short notice.
“Besides, Madonna didn’t even graduate from here, so what message would we be sending about our academics?” said Manuel.
Harbaugh did not take kindly to being denied, much like a three-year-old kid at the candy store who gets told no by his mother. After a brief pause to take in what Manuel had said, Harbaugh went into full tantrum mode.
“I want Jeter. I want him now,” Harbaugh said, while stomping his foot on the ground and crossing his arms. “Give me Phelps. I will not coach if Michael can’t come. I will sit on the sideline and not say a word. I hate you, Dad.”
Manuel, wanting nothing more than for the tantrum to end, decided to place fake calls to Jeter and Brady, just to appease Harbaugh. The collected Manuel talked into the dial tone on his phone, perfectly executing a disappointed, “Oh that’s too bad you can’t make it Saturday.”
At this point, Harbaugh began to sob uncontrollably. Manuel, cursing himself for his decision, quickly called his secretary to bring him a blanket. He then walked over to Harbaugh and rubbed his back, trying to calm him down.
“Why won’t Jeter come see me?” Harbaugh managed to get out between sobs. “Does he not like me?”
His secretary quietly entered the room and handed Manuel Harbaugh’s favorite maize and blue blanket. Manuel then wrapped Harbaugh up in the blanket, tucked him in on his office couch with a Michigan teddy bear and caressed his hair until he stopped crying.
“This happens about once or twice a week, depending on how things are going,” Manuel said. “It’s really quite exhausting dealing with him. The blanket and teddy bear usually works like a charm, though.”
At press time, Harbaugh had fallen into a deep sleep, occasionally muttering broken sleep talk about Jeter’s beautiful bald head, perfect teeth, gorgeous wife, stellar play, jump-throw, excessive winning, his five rings and his ability to win.
