As of Saturday, October 8 in the year of our Lord 2016, Purdue officially has a better record than Michigan State in the sport of football.
That’s pretty much all you need to know about the Big Ten right now. The top of the conference has bona fide national title contenders in Ohio State and Michigan, followed by several solid teams like Wisconsin and Nebraska. Meanwhile, the rest of the Big Ten is scrambling around like a bunch of one-legged chickens with their heads cut off, desperately jockeying for position to eventually earn the right to play Georgia Tech in the Pinstripe Bowl.
A total of five conference games were played in Week 6—along with a non-conference matchup between Michigan State and BYU—but the pièce de résistance of Big Ten football came in Minneapolis.
Coming off a 38-31 loss to Northwestern last week and a 14-7 road win over Rutgers the week prior to that, Iowa stumbled ass over teakettle to a 14-7 victory against Minnesota in a game that featured a combined 15 punts and six turnovers. Folks, that right there is some good ol’ fashioned Kirk Ferentz brand football erotica.
1. Ohio State Buckeyes, 56 points
For a second straight year, the Buckeyes sweated out a win over Indiana. Their passing game still hasn’t become a point of strength, as J.T. Barrett went just nine-of-21 for 93 yards, one touchdown and one interception against the Hoosiers. Nevertheless, Ohio State University sits at 5-0 and ranked No. 2 as it now makes the trip to Madison for a prime-time showdown with the Badgers. The last time a highly-ranked Buckeyes team played under the lights at Camp Randall Stadium with “College GameDay” in town, Wisconsin played spoiler in its quest for a national title. Since then, Ohio State has won all four of its meetings with Wisconsin.
2. Michigan Wolverines, 54 points
“Rutgers is trash.” — Ephesians 3:16
The last two weeks, the Scarlet Knights were on the receiving end of a proxy war fought between Ohio State and Michigan. The Buckeyes kicked things off with a 58-0 pummeling of Rutgers in Columbus two weeks ago. Then last weekend, the Wolverines travelled to Piscataway and unloaded for a 78-0 win over the Scarlet Knights. Khaki Jesus wasn’t content until the soul of every last Rutgers fan was crushed and the Geneva Conventions were violated. Rutgers didn’t even get a first down until the score was already 71-0. Now that Jim Harbaugh’s bloodlust has been temporarily sated, Michigan will get a bye week before welcoming in an Illinois team that just lost to Purdue.
3. Wisconsin Badgers, 39 points
This past week’s bye came at a critical juncture for the Badgers, who desperately needed time for players to recuperate from various injuries. Now, the focus turns to a game Wisconsin fans have had circled on their calendars for quite some time: a night game against Ohio State at Camp Randall Stadium. The two teams haven’t squared off since the 2014 Big Ten Championship, where some things happened, but we needn’t discuss that any further. With both teams still trying to find answers on offense and boasting sensational defenses, we could be in store for another defensive battle like the one we saw in Ann Arbor two weekends ago.
4. Nebraska Cornhuskers, 31 points
Like Wisconsin, the Cornhuskers spent Week 6 on a bye, giving quarterback Tommy Armstrong Jr. some time to recover from a sprained ankle. They currently sit all alone atop the Big Ten West with a 2-0 record in conference play, but this weekend they will get a tough test when they hit the road to take on an Indiana team that is actually aware of the concept of defense this year. If Nebraska escapes Bloomington with a win, a home game with Purdue will be the only thing standing in its path of a 7-0 start heading into its clash with the Badgers on Halloween weekend.
5. Michpenndianaowaland State, 30 points
In this week’s rankings from the 10 esteemed members of our voting committee, there was a clear consensus on who the top four teams were. After that, it was mass chaos trying to pick two more teams from the Big Ten cesspool to round it out. Michigan State, Iowa, Penn State, Indiana and Maryland all received votes, so I propose we scrape together each of their strengths to form a single super team to be coached by Les Miles. If we do, I’m confident we’ll have cobbled together a gritty squad capable of going 8-4 and finishing second to Western Michigan in the MAC West.
