Well folks, election season is almost upon us. This year we have two awesome contenders for the elusive Oval Office: Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Donald “Kingslayer” Trump, who earned his nickname for his striking resemblance to “Game of Thrones” character Jamie “Kingslayer” Lannister.
If you are one of the many people who think either candidate would be awful, federalism does a decent job of stunting executive power, so fret not. Of course, it’s always preferable to have a good president like our potential new First Lady Bill Clinton was. That’s why maybe having #CrookedHillary in the White House might not be so terrible; Bill, the cunningest of men, will predictably leverage Hillary into giving him more power by threatening a divorce during election week if she does not. She will obviously give in.
“What made Bill Clinton awesome?” is a question that most normal people like myself ponder a lot; thus, I developed “The Five Marks of a Good President,” a theory that has proposed the five fundamental qualities that any good president must have. The list is as follows:
1. A good president must be tall
Examples: Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Frankln D. Roosevelt
Any quality president must tower over everyone else in his presence, unless the NBA Champions is visiting the White House; in this case, he or she must be taller than all point guards and the coach. This is crucial because a good president needs to appear powerful, and height is an innately powerful asset.
2. A good president must be loud
Examples: Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Jr.
A good president needs to be loud—so loud that at any point in time, everyone in the vicinity can hear him or her espousing rhetoric about change and liberty. It is common knowledge that Thomas Jefferson spoke six languages, so he must have done a lot of speaking, and I’ll presume based on that he spoke loudly. MLK was never president, but he did speak loudly, so one might presume he would have made a good president.
3. A good president must monopolize every conversation
Examples: Barack Obama, Thomas Jefferson, Franklin D. Roosevelt
In addition to speaking loudly, a good president needs to be speaking for 90 percent of any given conversation as a display of dominance. Only then will people begin to respect a president.
4. A good president must be the smartest person in the room at all times, unless he is meeting with Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking.
Examples: Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, John F. Kennedy
Any president must be really freaking smart; the “rule of thumb” for this mark is that the president must be smart enough to perform the job of any of his or her cabinet members while sleeping, which he would, but everyone knows that the president doesn’t sleep.
5. A good president must be a functioning alcoholic.
Examples: All 44 of them
Of course, all good presidents must be able to pound brews like an Irish construction worker. And they all have been; 18 of the 26 presidents since 1877 have been in a fraternity (that’s 69 percent—you can’t make this up). Everyone knows the office of the president is the most stressful job in the world, so having a daily drink or twelve is only necessary for a president to do his or her job well.
A candidate who fulfills these five qualities is a lock to make America great again.
