After suffering a devastating loss two weeks ago to the then-No. 2 Ohio State Buckeyes, the Wisconsin Badgers were left searching for answers. While the players were quick to call it a team loss, head coach Paul Chryst thought otherwise.
“There were a couple guys not taking the game seriously out there,” Chryst said. “I mean, Jazz [Peavy] and T.J. [Watt] were hardly playing; they were too busy asking the Buckeyes for candy.”
Several significant Badger players, including Peavy and Watt, trotted out onto the field at Camp Randall Stadium decked out in their brand-new Halloween costumes, confusing the night game with the legendary Madison tradition of trick-or-treating.
“To be fair, how were we supposed to know this was a game?” Peavy asked. “Wisconsin doesn’t play Big Ten night games, everyone knows that. We just assumed it was trick-or-treating two weeks early.”
Peavy’s banana suit drew a roar from the Wisconsin student section, as more than 40 percent of them had worn the costume themselves as freshmen.
Watt did not receive the same attention from the crowd, since literally no one could find him in his “Where’s Waldo” outfit.
“I was pretty frustrated when I ran out onto the field more hyped than ever,” Watt said. “I thought it was a pretty great costume, but the fans weren’t having it I guess. Whatever.”
His costume did prove useful, however, when Buckeye blockers had struggles locating the star Badger defender. Numerous times, offensive linemen were completely lost as running back Curtis Samuel careened into Watt’s open arms.
“Sure, it helped in the game,” Watt said. “But I really wanted some love from the fans, man. It hurts.”
Fans and players alike were, at first, delighted to see offensive lineman Ryan Ramczyk’s costume, which they thought included a pretend butcher’s knife stuck through his skull. As it turned out, however, he had just stumbled onto the field after getting off work early from the local butcher’s shop. The knife was real, and Ramczyk had actually suffered a gruesome injury just before heading over to the stadium.
“Dsdf kfjsdvdsboweif jgtsdgfd,” Ramczyk commented.
Despite the disability, he played tremendously well, protecting his quarterback at all costs. Many Buckeye defenders were terrified to even come near him out of fear of being bitten or cut by the gigantic blad. Thankfully, football doesn’t care too much about head injuries, so Ramczyk shouldn’t miss any time.
In addition, safety D’Cota Dixon had recently finished his residency and showed up to the game in his scrubs, excited to tell his teammates the good news.
“I’m a doctor, man!” Dixon yelled. “Wait, we have a game?”
He then sprinted off to the locker room before returning to see Ramczyk’s grotesque head injury, which he was going to patch up, but instead threw up all over the field and was himself carted off.
Quarterback Alex Hornibrook joined Watt and Peavy in thinking the game was actually an early Halloween celebration, materialising at midfield in a grim reaper costume. His ability to mysteriously disappear in the middle of a play and reappear somewhere else entirely helped him find holes in the Buckeye defense.
“It’s all about the scythe,” Hornibrook said. “Just wave that thing around wildly and all the sudden you’re on a different part of the field. Teleportation is a weird feeling—you feel like your entire body is being ripped into a million pieces and put back together. It’s cool though.”
Early in the second quarter, Hornibrook went on a rampage, sprinting up and down the field swinging his scythe like a madman, sending the Buckeye players scrambling. He credited UW’s 16-6 halftime lead to his tirade, which left the OSU players confused and terrified for the duration of the second period.
“I seriously thought he was going to slice my head off,” Buckeye defensive lineman Nick Bosa said. “He had this look in his eyes, man. He was out for blood. We’re just all thankful we made it into the locker room.”
At press time, running back Dare Ogunbowale was still trying to decide if his “The Dress” costume was still a relevant reference.
