Citing Purdue’s complete lack of ability to play quality football, head coach Paul Chryst decided it would be best for his starters to remain in Wisconsin and scrimmage the Madison West high school team this weekend.
“We looked at some scouting reports for both squads and we felt like our starters would be more challenged by the Regents,” Chryst said. “And that’s the beautiful thing about it [incoherent mumbling about grit]... gotta wear our hard hats.”
In order to avoid a forfeit, Wisconsin’s second team will make the trip down to the sad, desolate town of West Lafayette, Ind., to take on the Fighting Train Conductors. But, the Badgers’ top talent will be in action on Madison’s west side Saturday, engaging in a friendly scrimmage with the local high school boys of fall.
Chryst said it will be fairly light, with neither team tackling at full strength.
“We just want to get our guys some good reps,” Chryst said. “We didn’t feel like Purdue could give us that, so we are choosing to stay here.”
There was some grumbling among the players about the coaching staff’s decision. Vince Biegel, who lives, breathes, eats, sleeps, digests and poops Big Ten football, was unhappy that he wouldn’t be able to destroy another Big Ten rival this weekend.
“Man, the University of Wisconsin football program is the heart of the state,” Biegel started, garnering audible sighs from the several reporters surrounding him. “We should be continuing to prove our dominance in the greatest conference in the world because the University of Wisconsin football program is the greatest in the world. I love Badger football, man.”
Biegel continued talking about his undying passion for the Badgers, before ESPN writer Jesse Temple finally told him to stop, saying, “we all get your point, Vinny.”
Other members of the team, however, were ecstatic about the scrimmage with Madison West.
“I’m just happy I don’t have to go to the garbage dump that is West Lafayette,” Jazz Peavy said. “Plus, now you can catch me at Wando’s Saturday night, enjoying a fish bowl with my man Rob [Wheelwright].”
Chryst said the scrimmage would not be open to the public or the media because the team will be working on some plays and packages they’d prefer to keep secret before Minnesota and a potential Big Ten Championship Game.
“Plus Donald Trump is going to be our president and the freedom of press is probably going to go away,” Chryst said. “So really we are just preparing the writers for what’s to come.”
