Cupid: ‘Smartphone use is interfering with my work’

Valentine’s Day: a day devoted to romance, usually involving heart-shaped chocolate boxes, dinner dates and bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon. According to the popular legend, Cupid, a winged, matchmaking angel, shoots people with arrows and causes them to fall in love with the first person they lay their eyes upon. It is the purest form of love—to love at first sight without prejudice or preconception, and ending in a happily ever after.
In a recent interview, however, Cupid claimed that “modern technology fucked all of this up.”
Whilst smoking a cigarette and drinking the darkest, most bitter coffee, Cupid, himself, gave The Daily Cardinal reporters an exclusive interview as to why his job has become exponentially more difficult, thanks to the technological revolution.
“Everywhere you look, people are on their phones, so they don’t look at each other as much,” stated Cupid. “Madison is the worst place to work. I’ll fly over University Avenue, see a handsome young guy approaching some sweet little thing and think ‘Hey, one of those two could really use an arrow!’ So I’ll shoot one of ‘em, but by the time they look up from their phones, they wind up falling for one of their 50-year-old professors, or something stupid like that.”
Cupid also elaborated on how much work it is to reverse the effects of botched work. “It’s incredibly difficult to make someone fall out of love, and it’s even harder when someone falls in love with a squirrel because they are too busy looking at Donald Trump memes to make eye contact with an actual human being.”
When asked if he had a take-home message for young people in today’s technology-obsessed culture, Cupid said, “A lot of people are going to tell you to stop being so entranced in your technology because you’re missing out on life, and you should be living in the moment. That’s all bogus. The real reason you shouldn’t do it is because you’re a royal pain in my ass. I’m going to have a heart attack if you people keep this up.”
At press time, Cupid was seen at Bascom Hill holding back a freshman from his one true love: an economics TA with a fiancé that could definitely kick his ass.