Millions of people nationwide panicked last week when word spread that the vast Yellowstone Caldera, or underground super volcano, has a magma reservoir that is nearly two and a half times larger than previously thought by scientists. To make things even more terrifying, the Caldera has been filling its depression with magma at an increasing speed. No need for Zoloft! Just kidding, but since human-fueled environmental distress is out of the picture, as always, we decided to send our best reporter to interview the Caldera. However, instead of following the script, he instead urged the volcano to, “hurry up and blow us all away into an endless void already.” Thus, we sent our next best reporter, Michelle. (Yes, we are getting him help). The conversation is as follows:
Michelle: Come here often? Super volcano: You really didn’t do any research before coming here, did you? I need to hurry this process up even more than I thought.
M: I will take that as a no. Anyway, back to the cards. How do you feel about potentially erupting, wiping out massive populations and making North America uninhabitable?
SV: Wonderful. Content. Full for the first time in my life.
M: Well, you’re unpredictable!
SV: I am actually extremely predictable. People study how predictable I am for a living. That’s all they do. For money.
M: Okay … why does disrupting life as we know it make you feel “full”?
SV: Do you know what a shit storm you people have going on up there? You are treating Puerto Rico like the child you wish you had aborted but post pictures of all over social media with the hashtags #lovemykid #bestmomever, your leaders are cracking jokes about exterminating other human beings because they have different hole preferences, and 18.5% of your children are morbidly obese snacking on Mc-Whatever-The-Hell-Is-On-The-Menu-This-Season. Oh, and you have managed to take a massive dump on the environment in the ridiculously short time you’ve even existed. Why wouldn’t I want to explode?
We predict that Michelle then felt seismic activity and made the judgement call to leave. We have not heard from her since.
