Some have called the rivalry between The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald the last great newspaper battle in the country.
And like every good rivalry, such as the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals, there needs to be one dominant force and one force that lives to be dominated. And even the finest news editors in the country know which one of those is the Cardinal and which one is the Herald.
“Yeah we compete with The New York Times,” Washington Post Editor Marty Baron said during his trip to the Cardinal newsroom in September. “But I’m gonna need my man Jeff to give us a couple billion dollars if we’re going to catch up to the Cardinal.”
This Saturday The Dirty Birds seek to continue their dominance, looking to beat all eight of the Herald’s staffers for the umpteenth time in the annual football matchup at Vilas Park.
With Editor-In-Douche Tommy Valtin-Erwin coming out of chug-off retirement, star quarterback Ethan Levy telling everyone who will listen about his historic touchdown-to-interception ratio and reigning MVP Megan Otto returning to her ball hawking ways, Editor-in-Chief Madeline “Prime Time” Heim has assembled a true dream team to take down The Gentle Clowns.
“We’ve had 125 years of practice with sifting and winnowing,” Prime Heim Time said. “Now we’re ready to continue by sifting and winnowing some Herald ass.”
News Editor Nina “Inside Voice” Bertelsen and Sports Editor Ben “Uptown Boy“ Pickman are reportedly so excited about the upcoming beatdown that they have postponed their spelling lessons from the copy team in order study more film.
“ I nkoew were gonna iwn,” Bertelsen said an email.
Copy editors Sam “Try and Pronounce My Name I Dare You” Nesovanovic and Justine “I’m Channeling My Inner Donald Driver“ Spore, have used the extra time to make sure their routes are as crisp as their layouts.
“At first I wanted to be polite about the game, because that’s just what I do,” fellow copy chief Sydney “Office Lurker“ Widell said.
“But we realized that the Herald’s pages had more spelling errors than Ben or Nina’s messages. Then we got mad,” Haley “I Can’t Believe I Have To Redo Layout Again" Sirota added.
The news team is equally hyped for the historic matchup, although its preparation has been stymied by the fact that the Herald is incapable of publishing news stories until weeks after the event.
“This is gonna be one saucy victory,” said Lawrence “I Talk Like I’m a Character in Grease” Andrea. “No paper is groovier than the Cardinal.”
While Cardinal staffers are still confused at what the hell a Gentle Clown is, they know that they must be dominated if the newspaper industry is going to survive.
“Even the drunk, unruly freshmen who live in my dorm know which paper is better,” Opinion Editor Samantha “Russ” Wilcox said. “These kids can’t even figure out where the hell Vilas is!”
“We’re the paper that made Madison famous,” Heim added in between scolding her derelict managing editor. “They say ‘Democracy Dies in the Dark,’ but on Saturday the Herald will die in [Vilas] Park.”
