Reports that Mother Earth has been planning to oust the human race have been appearing more and more frequently in The Daily Cardinal office. Upon hearing these outlandish claims, Cardinal correspondents were sent to the International Space Station to request a comment from our home planet.
“I have no doubt in my mind that if humans go away forever, or at least lay off a bit with the carbon emissions that hurt my atmosphere, I will probably be alive until the Sun inevitably expands and then dies,” Mother Earth said when consulted over the weekend. “The problem with that plan is I don’t have arms.”
Immediately after her statement, several political figureheads, all obviously having extensive experience with the sciences, were compelled to comment on the situation.
“I don’t know why we have to be considerate or even sorry about our carbon footprints, especially when it comes to Earth,” EPA director Scott Pruitt said on Monday morning. “By not specifically telling us no, she pretty much is giving us the green light to do whatever we want. It’s proven by science.”
The reaction to Mother Earth’s statement has resonated particularly on the UW campus.
“We have to respect the planet that gives us so many great things, like unconditional support and protection from the vast emptiness and destruction of space,” a student commented. “Just because she can’t directly control whether or not we exist doesn’t mean that we can just take advantage of her.”
Environmental experts are working tirelessly to determine what Earth’s plans may be for the human race. Despite the voluntary obliviousness of governmental figures when it comes to the seriousness of environmentally unfriendly activities, Pruitt insists that the EPA will do what is best for the planet.
“We know what is best for her, and we don’t need to ask,” Pruitt continued his statement from Monday. “We’ll just keep taking what we want, because that’s what she would want.”
When asked if he had asked for consent from the planet, Pruitt scoffed and spit on all reporters in the immediate vicinity before replying.
“Well, she didn’t say no!”
