A recent outbreak of the dreaded meat sweats has paralyzed the residents of the dorm floor below you. All through Sunday night the sounds of people breathing heavily echoed up from the stairwell, the chomping and swallowing noises unceasing in their vulgarity.
“Good god, I can’t even count how many times someone said ‘Is it hot in here?’” an eyewitness reported. “And the smell, holy hell, the smell of thirty people profusely sweating out pork is not a good smell.”
When asked how the entire floor was stricken with the meat sweats simultaneously, the RA for the floor responded “I have no idea. They’re all vegetarians, too.”
“This is a profound opportunity for our research department,” said University Health Services in a statement. “The first documented case of a meat sweats epidemic, and we have complete access to study it right here.”
The statement goes on to say that the students are quarantined to their rooms in the dorm until further notice, and a team of researchers from the University and the CDC will be starting to conduct research next week on those afflicted with the sweats.
The statement ends with a list of things that other students can do to avoid being stricken with the illness, such as substituting bacon for something even marginally healthier at breakfast, limiting themselves to “maybe just one pound of meat at each meal”, and to “eat a damn carrot once in a while”.
