After John McCain’s scandalous dying plea for Barack Obama to speak at his funeral and even more heinous notion to keep President Trump from merely attending, our nation’s capital has been completely uprooted. Fears of the equally destructive Red and Blue Waves have been decimated, and instead replaced with shared group chats for Starbucks runs in the Capitol, the implementation of using “I-statements” whenever there is slight discourse, multi-colored string being found in every nook and cranny between required friendship bracelet sessions and even agreements over blatantly benevolent legislature. While there is no telling how this well-mannered epidemic will fare in the long run, the cheers and giggles of glee throughout Congress seem eerily positive.
“It is so amazing to finally get some respect in politics. I even have mild respect for some of my peers!” exclaimed U.S. Rep Jim Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., when asked about his stance of these new, cool vibes.
“Just imagine what we can get done now that we finally listen to each other! I never believed that our country would be capable of looking past something as concrete as party lines, but here we are! What’s next? Looking past religion? Or accepting people that use Twitter for strictly entertainment purposes?” babbled Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., as she embraced anyone that would get close enough to her.
While it is clear that those currently holding office are pleased with this dramatic shift in attitude, the American public is skeptical.
“Honestly, I’m just scared that Roe v. Wade will be abolished, possession of guns will become punishable by death, and marijuana will be simultaneously become severely more criminal and legalized all on the same day. These people do not understand how to rationally make decisions: They have been solely fed opinions by their parties, and now that this system has been abandoned, they have no morals OR logic!” political science student Megan Johnson argued in her Philosophy 101 class, full of her more relaxed and optimistic peers.
While the outcome of this morale shift is uncertain, there is one thing we can all be sure of: The White House will have absolutely no part of it!
