i don't think i know how to love properly sometimes
i have a lot of love to give
but i'm afraid i might smother you with it
and chase you away with the weight of my emotions
i'm trying my best, i promise, it's just,
this kind of heavy burdensome love is the only kind i knew for so many years
you see, growing up i was loved so very much but
i was cradled like a delicate petal by calloused hands
which feared the wind would sweep me away
and nervous trembling fingers sheltered me
while also choking me and leaving no room to breathe
it was a well-intentioned love with a warmth
so desperate to keep me safe that it left burn marks
etched into my skin that no amount of therapy will erase
and you don't know how long it took me to realize
love isn't supposed to feel like you're being suffocated
and love shouldn't come hand-in-hand with fear
so I'm sorry that i don't yet know
how to love without being terrified of loss
for this world we live in is so very windy
and i am so very afraid of being left alone in the dust
i cannot promise I'll never hurt you
i promise i don't mean to
but impacts are made regardless of intent
and i know have a lot of love to give
i want to do better than the way i was taught
so i promise i'll learn how to love properly
i will give myself room to grow
to breathe
to take root in this fresh soil
to blossom
forever, finally
