Recently, there was a massive technological advancement that I’m too dumb to understand. Now, pictures of apes that people paid tens of thousands of dollars for are worth millions. I’m far too uneducated on the extremely advanced technology behind crypto and NFTs — non-fungible tokens — to be able to explain how any of this happened.
“We tried to tell you that — you just didn’t get it,” said local NFT enthusiast Brett Schwalski. “We knew blowing our entire life savings buying pictures of apes was an amazing investment, but you just didn’t want to hear it.”
It’s not just the familiar cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum — every single cryptocurrency is now very useful, important and valuable thanks to this change to the way things are. Solana, Terra, Dogecoin, Avalanche, Polka Dot, Shiba Inu, Litecoin, Bitcoin Cash, Monero, Decentraland, PancakeSwap, Moonbeam and Dogelon Mars are just a few of the tens of thousands of cryptocurrencies that are now crucial to the functions of society and, therefore, worth lots of money. If only we had listened when the geniuses who bought in early said crypto was the future!
Now, don’t worry if you’re a dumb idiot like me who doesn’t understand how cryptocurrencies and NFTs work. Having the world run on crypto means the tech is simultaneously very intuitive — making crypto significantly better than what we had before — and extremely complex, meaning only those with the largest, most thought-filled brains will comprehend it. Crypto owners tell me this makes complete sense, and I am a tiny-brained little doofus unable to question their brilliance.
With cryptocurrency being how it is now, I am told dollars are antiquated. Bitcoin’s worth is no longer measurable in dollars; the value of one cryptocoin is based on how many of another cryptocoin creates an equal exchange. How many would that be? Well, it depends on the supply and demand of each. Why would there be supply or demand between cryptocurrencies if they all theoretically provide the same function as a replacement to fiat currency by storing value to later exchange for real goods and services? I don’t know! These technological doodads are just too sophisticated for my itty bitty noggin!
“We always understood this stuff because we’re very smart,” continued the local NFT enthusiast. “The very complex and technical thing happened that we always knew was going to happen — now, all our money is to the moon while you remain poor and stupid.”
Those ape images are now crucial to society and very expensive. Everyone who bought one has been declared co-president of the United States because of how smart they are. They also have very hot girlfriends with whom they have lots of sex because they are very cool and have massive cocks. And they also have Lambos.
Did you know that if you put your ear against mine, you can hear the ocean?
“I’m so proud of all the geniuses out there who followed in my footsteps and now join me in leading the world into the future of technology,” said Elon Musk. “We were the ones who foresaw these massive, unprecedented technological changes to stuff. I hope the rest of the world looks upon me and all my new best friends and finally sees how much smarter and more special we are than them.”
Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.
