Four weeks into her first semester at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Genevieve missed her first class.
“It was an accident!” she told The Beet. “I was in the library doing the homework for week six and lost track of time, I swear!”
Her parents are still unaware.
“Oh, they’re gonna kill me when I tell them,” she said. “We talk everyday and I stayed up all night the day I forgot to call them. They’ll know something’s wrong if I don’t call them, but I have no idea what I’m going to say when they ask me how my day went.”
Her roommate Matilda shared her thoughts as well.
“That fucking nerd is going to give herself brain damage — and not the fun kind,” she said. “Now I was fucking wasted, so take this with that in mind, but I swear I came back to our dorm at 3 a.m. the first weekend and she was up studying her syllabuses… syllabi? You know what I mean.”
“I have no idea what the f— is going to happen to her when we have actual assignments,” Matilda added. “But I bought a s—-load of microwave popcorn.”
Local religious institutions are all-too familiar with this time of year.
“We see this all the time,” said a clergy member of St. Paul’s Catholic Church on State Street. “Boy, if I had a nickel for every freshman who came to me in tears because they missed their first lecture, it still wouldn’t be enough to settle the church’s lawsuits… but it would be a lot of nickels.”
“Beyond the free snacks, the overdramatic bulls— from freshmen is one of our biggest draws,” another local church leader told The Beet, under the condition of anonymity. “But no one wants to hear that God doesn’t give a s— about you missing class. Considering all the sins I’ve witnessed on or near this hellhole of a college, those dumb kids have nothing to worry about missing class.”
They continued, “And I just have to say: God made one mistake and it was not making a f—ing commandment against public urination, you disgusting freaks. Stay away from my goddamn flower beds.”
Genevieve has double checked all of the fine print on her loans and grants. To her bewilderment, she found no clauses revoking the money due to missing a single class.
She is currently working with the university’s writing center on a thesis-length apology email to the professor — whom The Beet reached out to for comment.
They responded, “who? Sent from my iPhone.”
Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.
