October has finally arrived at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, plunging the campus into a bustling season of fall fun. While the month of ghosts, goblins and ghouls brings promise of the traditional, festive frights, October is also the period in which many UW-Madison students come face to face with the scariest monsters of all: landlords.
Lease season has officially sprung, sinking its talons into the already limited attention spans of many college students. As apartments fill and rents rise, escaping the dorms has become unattainable for an ever-growing number of Badgers. As a result, innovative students are looking to stop digging into their pockets and start digging into the earth.
That’s right: Wisconsin Badgers are tunneling into the hearts of Madison’s neighborhoods, making crawl-space sleepers the HOTTEST real estate trend of 2023-24’s leasing season. This craze is still very new to the market, with proposed names including “cozy corners,” “under-deck oases” and “health hazards.” However, just like unaffordable rent prices, these dank dormitories are here to stay.
Now, this is not to say that the location is without its drawbacks. Mold, concussions and ADA accessibility laws are all major limitations as this hot trend picks up steam. And we do mean HOT, folks. Many Badgers (and the occasional raccoon) have incurred heat stroke after prolonged tunnel time during the summer months. Still, safety is taking a backseat to savings, as students are being driven to their elbows and knees for such a killer deal.
“You would not believe how many people have actually gone for this,” said local landlord Tom Kastner. “It started with me posting an ad on Craigslist to clear some possums out from under there, but after the job was done, the kids who did it started poking around and asking me about amenities.”
Student testimonies of the cozy catacombs experience are surprisingly positive, with most being openly interested in adding roommates
“Like with all housing, the more people fit, the cheaper the split,” explained sophomore Brennan Davis. “The best way is if you’re all down to spoon. It took some getting used to, but without real walls, you’re eventually gonna need that warmth. My roommates and I like to call ourselves ‘The Silverware Drawer!’”
Some students have posited the move as an act of school spirit.
“Think about it,” Davis pointed out. “Where do badgers live? Burrows. What do badgers eat? Worms. What do badgers do? Win. Wake up, sheeple.”
At the end of the day, these once-outlandish solutions are just symptoms of a larger problem. As long as rent prices remain out of reach, desperate students will find themselves digging up increasingly uncomfortable and unconventional solutions to an untempered crisis.
“Is it cramped? Yes. Is it dingy? Yes. Is it better than Sellery? Abso-fucking-lutely,” Davis emphasized.
