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Two months ago, the University of Wisconsin-Madison unveiled its latest Wisconsin Idea-esque innovation for academic free speech: an updated protest policy.
Under this policy — reminiscent of John Locke’s political theory — students are restricted from chalking, distributing literature, protesting and most importantly picketing within 25 feet of university facility entrances.
Now I used to picket a lot. Big picketer right here. Climate change, sexism, war, you name it, my friends would call me “Peter the Picketer.” But out of a newfound respect for my John Locke, Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin, I am now choosing to take an indefinite vow of silence in honor of her free speech policy.
I thought I had been doing the right thing. I thought I was living the Wisconsin Idea. Constantly sifting and winnowing, constantly engaging with the marketplace of ideas. I was exhausted.
But alas, our fearless queen Mnookin delivered a speech so enlightening before she dropped her new policy that, coupled together, I knew what had to be done.
“Civil disobedience,” she said during her speech, “is a time-honored tradition, but it must be done in a way that respects the laws we’ve thoughtfully put in place to make sure no one ever actually gets around to disobeying them.”
She continued, “Protest is fine, as long as it’s orderly, and doesn’t inconvenience anyone, or actually protest anything. In fact, if your civil disobedience is actually civil, I promise war will end.”
It really makes you wonder: how much does Mnookin admire Martin Luther King, Jr. (like she says she does), who famously promoted that if students at a university obey all codes and restrictions, change will happen. Of course, we all know Mnookin enjoys a casual soiree with UWPD, but I really think she’s onto something here.
Her new free speech advocacy really shook me to core, sending chills down my spine. I’ve decided to embrace my new “chilled” state of existence by taking this vow of silence to avoid breaking the Wisconsin Idea and dishonoring Mnookin’s presence.
It’s gone, okay.
My friends don’t understand, though. I bring my measuring tape everywhere I go to make sure they honor my queen’s rules and stay 25 feet away from buildings. “Stay back!” I shout at surrounding students. They should be thankful. Truly, at the root, I just can’t be around them anymore, always causing chaos and disrupting my quiet contemplation of bureaucracy.
One time, my classmate Libby Demi picketed outside Library Mall to protest sexism, and a UWPD officer picked Libby up by the shoulders like a stray cat and dragged her to Shannon Hall. Libby, an old soul, cared deeply about tampons. “Goodbye, Libby,” I thought. Gone too soon. If she followed my vow of silence she could’ve avoided this, but she didn’t bring a measuring tape, so I don’t feel remorse.
I have loved my vow of silence. I highly consider you to take this vow with me so we can overcome Libby’s sexism and all the other grave tragedies on this planet. Pour one out for Libster. On Wisconsin, my ally!
