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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, December 04, 2024
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‘Pokémon go to the polls’

At an infamous 2016 rally, then-presidential nominee Hillary Clinton made a historic call to action. Over eight years later, we’re still seeing the effects.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

CELADON CITY, Kanto — As the November election in Kanto grows closer, presidential candidates Ash Ketchum and Misty Williams are focusing their campaign strategies on one important demographic: Pokémon.

After a rousing speech from then-presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, declaring Pokémon have the right to vote, the creatures have been coming out to vote in record numbers and are expected to play the most important role in determining the outcome of the upcoming presidential election in the Kanto region this November. 

Region-wide polls show the race is still tight in this demographic. As of Oct. 23, Misty is leading by a tight margin, with 49.3% of Pok​​émon pledging their support, while 45.9% support Ketchum, according to the Kanto Research Center.

The Daily Cardinal, ever-dedicated to finding the best news for their seven loyal readers, interviewed several Pokémon students on the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s campus yesterday to hear their opinions on the upcoming election.

Bulbasaur, a sophomore majoring in botany shared his support for Misty, explaining that her experience as a Gym Leader better prepared her for the position. While Ketchum was briefly a Pokémon Champion, Bulbasaur claimed this made him nothing more than an “over-hyped celebrity.” 

Unlike Bulbasaur, Charizard, a senior studying pyrotechnics is planning on voting for Ketchum, mentioning the controversy surrounding Misty’s race to the Cardinal, something Ketchum has focused on heavily in his campaign. 

“One day, I hear she’s from Johto or something, the next she’s from Kanto,” Charizard said. “She’s also a ginger, so I really don’t know what to believe at this point.” 

Nidoqueen, a senior majoring in gender and women’s studies, rejected these claims as “ridiculous” and cited the Jan. 6 incident as “proof” that Ketchum should never be elected.

This is, of course, in reference to the attack on the Celadon City Pokémon Center by over 2,000 Team Rocket members that occurred on Jan. 6, 2021. Ketchum is currently facing several charges for his possible involvement with this attack.

The day before the attacks, Ketchum released a public statement on “P,” formerly known as Pidgey, which many believe was inciting the attack. His statement read, “Team Rocket, let’s fight like hell!” 

Ketchum denies any malicious intent.

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Another Ketchum supporter, Gengar, a junior studying toxicology, shared his concerns for a Misty presidency in terms of immigration policy.

“When she was a Gym Leader, she was letting all these Alolan Pokémon into the region, now look at what’s happening,” Gengar said. “There’s all these Alolan Pokémon in the cities, and they’re eating the poor Meowths and Growlithes in Celadon City!”

There are currently no verified reports of Alolan Pokémon eating Meowths and Growlithes, according to Officer Jenny of the Celadon City Police Department. Gengar was referencing a false claim popularized by Ketchum’s running mate, Pikachu.

In response to the Cardinal’s request for comment, a spokesperson for Pikachu said, “Pika pika, Pikachu!” Clearly, the Ketchum campaign is doubling down.

With high tensions and even higher stakes, it is more important than ever for Pokémon voters to remember the words of their famous civil rights leader, Hillary Clinton.

“Pokémon, go to the polls!”

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