All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Dear diary:
Today I electroejaculated a monkey named “Coralilac” again. I am at odds with this work, as I recently graduated from PETA University with a major in biological misinformation and public outrage.
When I went to PETA Uni, my professors told me to get upset at anything remotely involved with animals. I would see someone casually putting honey on food, I spring into action. "Oh, you’re just gonna eat that? A baby bee probably died for your fucking honey, you know. Had its whole home destroyed because some farmer thought profit and capitalistic yellow sauce was more important than a bee’s dwelling place. But sure… enjoy your honey."
But I ended up in a more unique field now, and it goes against everything I stand for like bees’ rights. While I write this, I am currently in a lab coat at a monkey lab electroejaculating monkey penises for research purposes.
The scientists around me try to calm me down and tell me this is a normal process to collect semen for genetic, breeding and reproductive disease research, but I genuinely have to take Xanax before sending electrodes to a monkey’s penis by inserting a probe into their rectum.
I do this everyday, five days a week for 40 hours. It is absolutely draining and sinister work.
It smells like ass inside the lab, the monkeys including “Coralilac” are too excited about this shit. While I question my morals through attending mass every Sunday, the monkeys are thrilled. This isn’t what I graduated from PETA University for.
Somewhere, my professors are probably shaming me. I mean maybe they could be proud. I am making the monkeys happy to some degree, but this is straight-up animal abuse. They should be outside roaming and getting to live without electric shock waves to their dicks while I get paid minimum wage.
