All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Dear Diary,
Today in my conservative WILL law course, I was told to do course evaluations. But, through a turn of bad clicks, my mouse landed on “SexWise Module.”
I personally already completed my SexWise Module as a freshman, but my buddy next to me, Rom Romney, overlooked the page as it opened. His jaw dropped in shock as a glossary of sex terms appeared on the page.
But in a mere accident, Romney clicked a link to a feminist ethical porn award site when he was examining the module for himself.
Romney went too far. He soon saw people participating in fornication and intercourse. Romney was scared because he saw his old UW-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow and his wife Carmen on his screen on the porn website!!
I myself was left in utter disarray! Why is Mr. Gow doing that! Why is this linked to the SexWise Module!
“Oh!” Romney left out a huff and a sigh. He didn’t know what pleasure was until just now. Romney came from a nice God-fearing Catholic family in upper Michigan. He’s a sin of a baby and wasn’t supposed to be born but his nun mother is a sinner. His mother wanted to protect Romney from how babies are made so he wouldn’t repeat the mistakes she made.
“Romney… I didn’t want you to find out this way. You are one of my best friends! I was gonna tell you about sex after you got married,” I muttered to him.
SHAME on Jennifer Mknookin for exposing this innocent Christian child to the university’s woke DEI agenda!! HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW. What’s next, he publicly indulges.
Romney did not let out anything further. SexWise is nothing but a communist Marxist experiment of a module that hurts students by forcing them to be aware of sex.
I will fix this in ASM. Vote for me and check out my latest to see my campaign platform.
