All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Dear Diary,
FIJI — To get the point, I went to a party that University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin attended with the University of Wisconsin Police Department, and to my surprise, I found 90 zyns in one of the officer’s vegan tote bags with some ketamine on the side.
I first walked into a medium-sized room with tons of people packed in. I was nestled in the coat closet at first, as guests funneled in with bright smiles and sparkly eyes after they dismantled the pro-Palestine encampment.
Now picture this: some Panera, snacks and awkward small talk between university administration and UWPD.
I heard some murmurs of “free speech advocacy,” “marketplaces of ideas” and “DEI.”
As I was in the coat room I was sifting around. Before you clutch your pearls, let me clarify: I fully support everyone living a life of tranquility as our founding fathers intended. That’s totally chill and I support as an ally, but I just thought it would be a strange place to bring 90 zyns!
It was in a vegan tote bag. The ketamine also came as a surprise, as this party was described as a casual get-together. I thought, ‘hey, maybe this one officer is just trying to relax,’ but as I left the coat room, I was in shock. The living room had a nice hummus platter and cheese board with an interesting combination of ketamine next to it!
No one noticed me, as at this point people were COOKED on ket within literally five to 10 minutes.
While I didn’t stick around long enough to see how the night unfolded (I need to get back to my monkey electro-dick lab), one thing is for certain: this was no ordinary UWPD gathering.
It seemed like the start to a freaky Joe Gow episode to be honest. Like, as much as I thought they disliked the guy, they may even be inspired by him! Game recognizes game?
But hey, shoutout to Mnookin and crew for keeping things interesting! And if she needs a DJ next time, I’m currently training.
On Wisconsin,
Peter Prickett
