All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Holy fuck, every new day Americans become more and more disillusioned and our government more polarized over issues that I didn’t even know could exist.
Greenland? TikTok? Gulf of AMERICA? 2025 will be such hell, Hades could change his panties from excitement.
If public schools or public libraries didn’t exist prior to 2020, the idea of proposing free resources in an accessible manner to people would create havoc in Congress. God forbid people can get educated for free!
The deeply troubling scene of billionaires getting a barricade at the presidential inauguration has become so banal to Americans to the point where people just post a minute-long clip to TikTok saying the revolution is “nearing” or we must bring back “1790s France,” when most of you likely think the Duolingo account on that app is your friend and you can’t even point to Syria on a map.
In the spirit of this, I have decided to run through a list of controversial thoughts and opinions I believe we should all lean into more this year, before making painfully mind-numbing suggestions about igniting a revolution through family-friendly peaceful protests.
- Go make some money. Those five hours you spent doom scrolling could’ve been used to work somewhere. Let’s get on that Madison job board posting and fill out an application.
- Understand that you should probably vote in an election. Having Elon Musk do a Nazi salute is a far WORSE outcome than not voting.
- No, Usha Vance and Melania Trump are not feminist girlypops. Stop supporting women who are completely complicit with the fact their husbands support banning reproductive rights. You aren’t “just a girl” you are an idiot too!
- Read a book!
- Read the actual news <3 If you are finding out everything from social media, you are the problem. You are submitting yourself to echo chambers, misinformation and likely even propaganda you don’t notice — especially if you're an alien truther.
- Let’s face it. I don’t think Ben and Jerry’s Instagram infographics are going to save us.
- If you listen to Joe Rogan, you're a lost cause and your opinions don’t count.
- The labels of being “leftist” or “liberal” need to stop. Everyone needs to pull a huge stick out of their ass and strategize efficiently!
- No, a girl isn’t impressed that you took shrooms and gained empathy for people. She discovered those thoughts at nine and your time would be better spent doing anything, like literally staring at a wall.
- Finally, hate me or love me, peaceful organized protest may not be the most forward thinking way to gain Trump’s attention for our human rights in the next four years. I won’t expand further on my ideas for protest at this time; however, you can start by registering to vote and remember to get a goddamn job.
