All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Fellow Americans:
I’m about to spit on that thang in the Oval Office!
I have some news for democracy. The White House is looking to expand and rotate the coveted pool reporting slots, meaning more podcasters, TikTokers and people with a minimum of 50,000 Instagram followers will get their shot.
I decided I must seize this moment, so I applied for the Hawk Tuah summer internship, and I was so surprised when I received an in-person letter from Ms. Tuah herself, saying I will work with her on the Talk Tuah White House edition podcast.
You must understand pool reporters play a crucial role in documenting the president’s every move, whether it’s a high-stakes diplomatic conference or a causal stop somewhere. So, when I received this honor to not only work on the Talk Tuah podcast, but the “Talk Tuah President” podcast specifically… Let's just say I had to… change my panties! Typically, I disagree with Karoline Leavitt due to her small crusted lips and the repugnant words that leave them like a mean little Ursula. However, Ursula didn’t know I’m about to clutch the fuck up.
Sure, Joe Rogan, Charlie Kirk or Alix Earle are partisan figures, but Hawk Tuah and I will be the face of new independent media and uphold journalistic integrity. While Kirk will be in a cyber truck jerking it to a meta version of Mark Zuckerberg, I will be delivering the necessary answers Americans have, like how fast I can hotbox Air Force One when I hit that ketamine-THC-DMT blinker.
The only thing I am worried about is that Trump is old, so if he lets out a toot I am concerned I will be in a confined space where I can’t think properly, thus altering the objectivity of the news I report. Whatever, even if it smells stinky it’s better than my previous job at the monkey lab.
So toot or no toot America, I have your back.
When I’m in the Kremlin with Ms. Tuah I will be the first to break news on the next Russian opposition leader assassinated. When I am at the G7 summit Ms. Tuah and I will be the first to announce Europe’s next move to address the climate crisis by 2078.
And America, when I am in World War III with a neuralink baddie crypto half-human-half-robot shooting fucking pussy lasers from a metaverse AR-15, I WILL take the bullet with Ms. Tuah and ensure for my eagle citizens that they know what Mr. Trump is doing.
God bless and goodnight.
