All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Elon Musk is the ultimate immigrant GOAT.
Born in South Africa, raised by a Saskatchewan-born mom, Musk moved to Canada in 1989 and eventually went to the University of Pennsylvania in 1995! He got his F-1 visa (a student visa) and a H-1B visa, issued to foreign workers! Then he got a green card for permanent residency and eventually became naturalized as a U.S. citizen in 2002! According to Jeelani Law Firm, PLC, he moved from Canada to the great place of America for educational and business opportunities.
So to lay it out: Elon is a U.S. immigrant and is a citizen of South Africa by birth and Canada through his mother. Wow!
I, too, am similar to Elon Musk. I didn’t officially become a U.S. citizen until recently. I also had a F-1 visa, but for PETA University in the states after moving from Uzbekistan (I can’t for legal reasons explain why I was there), and an H-1B visa as well. But instead of a green card like Elon, I obtained a Gold Card!
Now this is a crazy story. Elon was at my graduation after he had to quickly deport 40 permanent residents at 6 p.m. because they didn’t successfully champion the American Dream and supported Palestine. I was shocked when I saw him.
Anyway, after graduation, Elon goes up to me and says, “Peter, I know you are looking to become the ultimate immigrant GOAT in Silicon Valley, you’re not like the other immigrants, you’re special.” This murmur sent shivers down my spine! I wasn’t sure if things would pan out because I don’t think his best friend likes his type very much.
Donald Trump has:
- Endorsed a guy who called Puerto Rico a “pile of trash”
- Claims Haitians eat dogs and have AIDS
- Said African nations are “shithole countries”
- Labels pro-Palestine protesters as terrorists
- Thinks Mexicans are criminals stealing jobs
- Wants to end birthright citizenship
- Deports just about anyone these days!
But I think Elon and I are special. We both became immigrant billionaires by stealing jobs and such. I think the special formula to being a goated immigrant starts by being ultra rich or something.
So anyway, here I am a graduate from PETA University desperately needing to become a citizen to get into the workforce and vote legally. And Elon tells me that if I drop $5 million, I can get a Gold Card to instantly become the ultimate immigrant — a citizen through being in the top 1%.
I said “fuck yes, Elon.” But things took a turn. Elon was like, “okay let’s go to the parking lot real quick to finish ur citizenship naturalization.” Outside PETA University’s student union Elon opened up his ass and 20 Gold Cards came spewing out! “What the fuck,” I thought. I didn’t want to crack – excuse the pun — because if I laughed I know I would get sent to El Salvador.
He gave me the Gold Card and said I was locked in now. What the fuck. I couldn’t believe it. I, Peter Pricket, became a U.S. citizen outside Peta University. My Gold Card was from the unwashed ass of Elon Musk, but hey, that’s the story of becoming an immigrant right?
JK, if it’s this fucking easy to become a U.S. citizen if you do follow the legal way of naturalization like I did. I now understand a) how easy it is to become a citizen and b) that what Elon and Trump say about immigrants coming here illegally is right. If it’s this fucking easy, they all should get their Gold Card, anyone can make a quick $5 million if you really cared.
