All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
My family hailed from humble beginnings in Latvia and Poland to escape political turmoil in Europe in the 1930s and 40s. I, the great-great-grandson of a Russian immigrant, am now dedicating my life to make sure no one can do the same.
That’s right. My great great Isidor or — Исидор — and his goated wife Natasha illegally arrived in North America with literally nothing, not even speaking English, and came to build up my family — so I must stand at the border and make sure none of that shit happens again.
Back then, America supported the “American Dream.” Stuff from the 1790s to the 1965 Hart-Celler Act helped bring immigrants to the United States who established our labor force, economy, consumer republic, cultural plurality and more. Immigrants from all over are truly the foundation of our country, which is why we must end it!
What was in then — poor, tired sick huddled masses who drank Vodka — are now out. We must have 20 years of naturalization, another seven years processing time and then potentially your future great-great-great-grandchild may become a citizen if they serve in the military, take a good bullet in Kuwait for the sake of freedom or receive a Gold Card from the ultimate immigrant: Elon Musk.
Seeing old photos of Isidor (Исидор) poor and tired guided me to become a border warrior. I usually am deployed all over. Sometimes near Alaska, sometimes I'm in customs at airports telling people to go back to where they came from (a vacation). And sometimes, just for the hell of it, I don’t let people who have no criminal record and worked here for years, know that they overstayed their visa.
They must earn their spot now. I know my family would be proud seeing me turn away a starving family because they didn’t file Form I-89598538.
This isn’t hypocrisy, it's refinement. #staywoke.
