All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Hello everyone.
If you’ve been following me since the fall you may have had the privilege to read my work with The Daily Cardinal. I joined the Cardinal because I took a political compass test and someone said, “Wow, you are super unique with lots of ideas,” and I thought, “damn, yeah I should try to convince people to think like me.”
Thus, my adventure began. But it really took off after that free speech policy thing Mnookin installed and my friend Libby Demi got locked up.
But truthfully, this has turned into an outlet for me to express my classes, friends, university and crimes. Remember when I saw Mnookin at a UWPD party doing ket, remember when I used to protest, remember when Hawk Tuah and I were becoming a team, when my conservative friend found out what sex is and when I graduated from PETA University?
Well, times have changed, and I’ve become a bit jaded. But it’s okay. I haven’t spoken as much about my politics, and have yet to spread how fucking smart I am.
I am graduating from the Cardinal to take a quick break. I may be back… who knows…In the meantime, I am working to take over Pete Hegseth and handle military affairs for the United States. I also am working towards dismantling all this madness. I am also trying to be a lawyer for Harvard University.
But before I leave the Cardinal, I thought I’d explain my politics.
I believe in a dictatorship. One ran by a Democrat only with coalitions inside.
I believe that everyone deserves to commit embezzlement once in their lives.
I believe gambling is okay if it’s harmless and you make at least $5,000.
I believe the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s student government is useless.
I don’t know what an alder is.
I think thermonuclear war should be contained and happen once between North Korea and Russia, after Russia disposes of their North Korean soldiers.
I honor free speech advocacy.
I don’t believe in war.
Free Tay K.
How the fuck are we becoming pro-Russia after spending decades and decades of Cold War policy building up our nuclear arsenal against the Soviet Union and calling them communists? I am gonna crash out.
Okay now more about me.
I was born in the South.
I like mountains.
I like Gucci Mane.
I believed Santa was real until possibly the 5th or 6th grade.
I greened out one time in 10th grade French class and had to call home.
I want to live in Oman for a year.
I ate a cigarette by accident once.
I steal candy from children.
I embezzle money.
I like sloths.
My friend Libby Demi was deported after she decided to protest again and didn’t follow UW-Madison’s free speech policy.
I colonized an island and it’s called Peter Prickistan.
I like lava lamps.
I hate Jubilee videos.
Wolves in 5.
Now it’s time for wisdom:
Never stop smoking and never give up on school. Go to class, keep holding authority accountable by ANY means possible. Keep being whimsy and reduce being malice. Smile more. Donate to charities. Be hot. Go to zoos.
While I am taking a break to take over Pete Hegseth since I am smarter than him, this isn’t a forever goodbye. Re-read my older articles and prepare for when I make a massive comeback.
I love you guys.
Xoxo
Peter Pricket
