TAMPA, Fla. — As of this past week, it was confirmed that Tom Brady is social distancing from the New England Patriots, meaning that team members will now only be able to digitally slap him on the ass after a good play. After 20 seasons and six Super Bowl wins with the franchise, a coronavirus pandemic is what it took to finally end Brady’s time with the Patriots.
For at least the duration of the 2020-21 NFL season, Brady will be self-isolating with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The pathology behind Brady’s decision to hide from the coronavirus in Tampa is a bit peculiar considering there are far worse diseases to be contracted in Florida. That said, 20 years in the NFL has likely given him enough brain damage to fit in as a proper Floridian.
In a touching gesture, when Bill Belichick found out that Brady was social distancing from the Patriots, he chucked his favorite pair of fat pants at Brady and told him to “fuck off now,” which is quite possibly the nicest thing any of us can imagine Belichick doing for anyone.
In the meantime, Brady has been spending his time in self-isolation getting in the Tampa Bay spirit by knitting eye patches and pirate hats along his wife, model Gisele Bündchen, whose hair has already begun to look like an electrocuted poodle due to the humidity (the stores were all out of hairspray since that is the first thing Floridians hoard in a crisis in case they need to set a car on fire to keep warm during the bitter Florida winters). Later this week, the couple have plans to make a methamphetamine and alligator meat casserole topped with half-eaten bag of Cheetos someone left at the DMV — a classic Florida dish.