I had my hands over my face. Next week’s lecture was on the Irish, wait until he finds out about them.

Polish conservative realizes he’s an immigrant in ethnic studies course

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news. 

So I am in my ethnic studies course and we are at the module on immigration, specifically the mid-1800s. My classmate Ludwik Wiśniewski-Władysław, a staunch Reaganite, has really disliked having to take an ethnic studies course at all.

Ludwik is one of those guys who believes in tough border control, Guantanamo Bay, etc — I just absolutely hate him and he smells like grass. Anyway, my professor is explaining that many Polish immigrants started coming to the Midwest between the 1850s and 1870s to escape religious persecution under the Prussian government, establish farms or enter factory and steel mill jobs.

Ludwik, a Pole, had no idea that this happened. Ludwik looked at me and said, “Polish people are…are..migrants??” I didn’t think he was being deadass.

The professor continued the lecture: “By 1871, Polish youth were being drafted into the Prussian military for a minimum of four years, and German language was mandatory in schools.”  

Ludwik freezes. “Are Polish people… immigrants?” he whispered to me.

Then, the professor pulled out a banger — “so many Polish families fled to America and formed communities, like the first Polish family in Milwaukee around 1855.” 

Ludwik gasped — he is from Milwaukee. 

“Teacher, this can’t be true. This sounds…WOKE! I WAS TOLD I AM AN AMERICAN!”

The class was confused. Didn’t we all know Europeans are also immigrants? 

So Ludwik starts sobbing. He began Googling if he can “undo immigration” or “start fresh as an American.” He also wanted a DNA test, but it’s all there in the name, buddy. He pulled out his dab pen to take a few hits then chugged some lean. 

“Ludwik, your name is Polish, you speak Polish — how did you not know you're an immigrant?” I whispered to him while he’s slurping up his lean.