News

Conservative student discovers pleasure for the first time through sex education module

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

Today in my conservative WILL law course, I was told to do course evaluations. But, through a turn of bad clicks, my mouse landed on “SexWise Module.”

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News

Undercover at Mnookin’s UWPD party: 90 Zyns, ketamine and a hummus platter

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

I heard some murmurs of “free speech advocacy,” “marketplaces of ideas” and “DEI.” 

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News

Vote me for ASM. I will add a Department of Efficiency and cut UHS

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

Fuck UHS, go raw milk, go Ozempic, vote me for ASM.  

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News

I graduated from PETA University. Now I electroejaculate monkeys

By Peter Pricket | Nov. 7

Today I electroejaculated a monkey named Cornelly again. I am at odds with this work. 

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News

Catch me feds! I ballot stuffed 450 times in the 2024 election

By Peter Pricket | Nov. 7

 To feel the passion of Democracy I voted between three states for both Kamala and Donald.  

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News

New York is for the rats

By Morgan McCormack | Oct. 25

It’s time New York gets the representation it deserves.

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News

‘Pokémon go to the polls’

By Isabella Barajas | Oct. 25

At an infamous 2016 rally, then-presidential nominee Hillary Clinton made a historic call to action. Over eight years later, we’re still seeing the effects.

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News

I used to picket. Now I am taking a vow of silence to honor UW’s free speech policy

By Peter Pricket | Oct. 24

I am taking an indefinite vow of silence after University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin released a new profound free speech policy. 

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News

Ask Morgan, welcome back edition: From starting new to ending unsure, I’m here to answer all your back to school queries.

By Morgan McCormack | Sep. 5

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

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THE BEET

I’m going to commit $270 worth of property damage to the university

By Omar Waheed | Apr. 27

In my final weeks at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I was utterly betrayed by Transportation Services when it impounded my car for multiple unpaid parking tickets. Now, after paying off all the tickets and getting my car out of impound, I’m taking swift revenge.

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THE BEET

An ode to freedom (more lanes)

By Omar Waheed | Mar. 21

Start of the day

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THE BEET

Madison to use new measurement system named after Alder MGR Govindarajan

By Omar Waheed | Feb. 22, 2024

After grappling with how to get Madisonians to realize the scale of continuous developments to improve the city, the Common Council voted to measure projects via the dimensions of District 8 Alder MGR Govindarajan.

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THE BEET

Return of the redlines: Wisconsin Republicans silently celebrate victory with new legislative maps

By Omar Waheed | Feb. 22, 2024

Wisconsin Republicans celebrated a decisive victory after the governor signed new state legislative maps. 

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THE BEET

Swiftie Super Bowl Sunday album announcement

By Omar Waheed | Feb. 9, 2024

She already blessed us with her 11th studio album announcement, but Taylor Swift has another big announcement for the Super Bowl for Swifties.

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THE BEET

Union South’s water broke. It’s a boy!

By Henry Moore | Feb. 6, 2024

After nine months of grueling pregnancy, Union South’s water broke to reveal the newest edition to the UW-Madison campus.

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THE BEET

Tenacious TikTok cleaning recipes to blast the stains away

By Omar Waheed | Feb. 2, 2024

Destroy dastardly stains with war-like power from some of TikTok's best at-home cleaning solutions.

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THE BEET

Campus cops taking tips on torrid toilet use

By Omar Waheed | Feb. 2, 2024

Campus police are searching for leads to bust busters in Mosse Humanities bathrooms.