The Beet

---

I graduated from PETA University. Now I electroejaculate monkeys

Today I electroejaculated a monkey named Cornelly again. I am at odds with this work. 

Catch me feds! I ballot stuffed 450 times in the 2024 election

 To feel the passion of Democracy I voted between three states for both Kamala and Donald.  

New York is for the rats

It’s time New York gets the representation it deserves.

‘Pokémon go to the polls’

At an infamous 2016 rally, then-presidential nominee Hillary Clinton made a historic call to action. Over eight years later, we’re still seeing the effects.

I used to picket. Now I am taking a vow of silence to honor UW’s free speech policy

I am taking an indefinite vow of silence after University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin released a new profound free speech policy. 

Ask Morgan, welcome back edition: From starting new to ending unsure, I’m here to answer all your back to school queries.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

I’m going to commit $270 worth of property damage to the university

In my final weeks at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I was utterly betrayed by Transportation Services when it impounded my car for multiple unpaid parking tickets. Now, after paying off all the tickets and getting my car out of impound, I’m taking swift revenge.

An ode to freedom (more lanes)

Start of the day

Madison to use new measurement system named after Alder MGR Govindarajan

After grappling with how to get Madisonians to realize the scale of continuous developments to improve the city, the Common Council voted to measure projects via the dimensions of District 8 Alder MGR Govindarajan.

Return of the redlines: Wisconsin Republicans silently celebrate victory with new legislative maps

Wisconsin Republicans celebrated a decisive victory after the governor signed new state legislative maps. 

Swiftie Super Bowl Sunday album announcement

She already blessed us with her 11th studio album announcement, but Taylor Swift has another big announcement for the Super Bowl for Swifties.

Union South’s water broke. It’s a boy!

After nine months of grueling pregnancy, Union South’s water broke to reveal the newest edition to the UW-Madison campus.

Tenacious TikTok cleaning recipes to blast the stains away

Destroy dastardly stains with war-like power from some of TikTok's best at-home cleaning solutions.

Campus cops taking tips on torrid toilet use

Campus police are searching for leads to bust busters in Mosse Humanities bathrooms.

Hey Morgan! I’m from a warm-weather state and the slush is dragging down my walk to class, do you have any advice?

A tasteful review of former UW-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow’s erotic escapades

Former University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow was recently fired by the Board of Regents for creating homemade pornographic videos with his wife, Carmen Wilson. In light of the recent events, the question remains: are the videos actually worth viewing?

Ask Morgan, holiday special edition: How to deal with oversized trees, your boyfriend’s mom

Sometimes the only way to get rid of something is by causing a “little accident.”

Metro passengers relieved public masturbator grower, not shower

Metro riders were left surprised as a local public masturbator turned out to be a grower, not a shower.

Campus demands hazing for 2023 freshmen honors class

Starting Oct. 10, UW-Madison policy for seniors, graduate students and professors will be to encourage taunting, booing and jeering at freshmen students walking over Bascom Hill to classes.

Hey Morgan! I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and he just asked to be exclusive. I really like him. The only problem is he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t really go to class that much. What should I do?

 Tell him to lay off the sigma male podcasts.