THE BEET
Elon Musk announces Tesla cruise ship
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 18, 2022Very real technology ensures that the passenger liner will be unsinkable, says Musk.
The Beet
THE BEET
Trump announces presidential bid in effort to steal more classified documents
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 16, 2022Former president anxious about content in White House documents, no longer singing “Cats” soundtrack on toilet.
THE BEET
World just waiting for World War III to start already
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 15, 2022After years of waiting for worldwide tension to reach its boiling point, it may be time to throw the macaroni in.
THE BEET
Kari Lake blames slow vote count on old looking babies
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 14, 2022The Arizona gubernatorial candidate claims poll workers are letting some babies vote, mistaking them for the elderly.
THE BEET
Mushroom trip inspires man to go into accounting
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples … during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway —”
THE BEET
Anti-weed politicians can’t relate to feeling connected to others, genuinely smiling
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022“I didn’t even feel that way when Hurricane Sandy hit New York City,” scoffed a perturbed Mitch McConnell.
THE BEET
Local mom distraught after reading favorite salad dressing laced with fentanyl
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10, 2022The fear mongering post has already received over 4,000 shares.
THE BEET
Evers wins reelection after giving underage students alcohol, fun drugs
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 9, 2022Critics argue that Evers alienated voters who don’t unwind by sipping on a Smirnoff and boofing cocaine.
THE BEET
Thirty percent of polling stations located in sewers on other side of town
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 8, 2022The increase is directly correlated with rising public uproar over gerrymandering.
THE BEET
McDonald’s nearing end of 41-year-old McRib supply
By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 2, 2022The last chance to buy the never-frozen sandwich is Nov. 24.
THE BEET
Local stoner finds candy in his drugs
By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 1, 2022Madison drug community shocked by dangerous and unexpected candy.
THE BEET
Obama uses Milwaukee rally to test new stand up material, special to stream on Netflix
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 31, 2022With only a week left before his poorly-timed taping, Americans are hoping Obama won’t drop yet another bomb.
THE BEET
Serial killer arrives to next murder, is frustrated to realize he only has a paring knife
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 27, 2022“Darn it — I’m such a putz.”
THE BEET
Abortion hypocrisy strikes Tim Michels campaign
By Jeffrey Brown | Oct. 26, 2022New leak reveals the Republican candidate for governor is not immune from widespread GOP abortion hypocrisy.
THE BEET
Comedic actor Matt Walsh confused, anguished to hear he caused controversy on UW-Madison campus
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 25, 2022The “Veep” actor and Emmy nominee is desperately trying to amend his wrongs — all while figuring out what his wrongs were in the first place.
THE BEET
Matt Walsh asks to only be challenged using his own opinions (this is the satire page)
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 24, 2022Ahead of his controversial campus appearance, the right-wing commentator requires that he’s only debated using his own sources.
THE BEET
Pelosi says she doesn’t regret threatening to punch Mother Teresa: ‘I’d still do it’
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 19, 2022"I’d ream her so bad she’d be sent to a layer of Hell that Satan himself hasn’t visited since the eighties,” said the grandmother of nine.
THE BEET
Suicidal snapping turtle annoyed with drivers removing them from road
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 18, 2022The turtle claims to be at peace with death, “wants out.”
THE BEET
New Ron Johnson campaign ad claims Barnes plans to stab Wisconsinites if elected
By Jeffrey Brown | Oct. 13, 2022The controversial new ad has drawn massive public attention.
THE BEET
Recovering alcoholic priest just using cinnamon raisin bread now
By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 12, 2022Though Father Richard has remained sober, some churchgoers worry that the switch is sacrilegious.
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