The Beet

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THE BEET

Pointless startup aims to solve nonexistent, first-world problem

By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 13, 2016

The IntelliTech convention in Palo Alto, Calif., was alive with wonder. Startups from Silicon Valley, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles and beyond had congregated for days to network, trade ideas and pitch their groundbreaking innovations. Stars of the show included MediScan, which can detect cancer growth through a smartphone-based imaging application, and Devia, a motion-tracking app which alerts caretakers of mentally ill individuals to adverse behaviors like pacing or wandering away.

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THE BEET

Adorable freshman requests one marijuana from his first dealer

By Noah Mack | Oct. 13, 2016

Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level. The recent high school grad felt that although his party was “already lit,” he really wanted to “get some green.” Cardinal reporters on the scene followed the freshman and his posse of nervous friends to Mathew’s cousin’s friend’s brother Justin’s apartment. The deal took place on the third floor of 420 W.

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THE BEET

Between the Sheets: Part-two of a beginner’s guide to kinky communication!

By Anna Welch | Oct. 10, 2016

Last week I broke down some kinky key terms and how kink works. This week I’m laying out how kinky communication can be (and should be) applied to any kind of sex.  To fully understand the term “kink” I recommend giving last week’s article a read, but for a quick review, kink refers to “an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination,” kink includes “BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions,” (definition borrowed from “The Ultimate Guide to Kink, BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge” by Tristan Taormino.)  Vanilla is a term often used by kinky folks to describe sex that isn’t kinky.

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THE BEET

Misheard Movie Quotes

By Noah Mack | Oct. 10, 2016

1. “E.T. bone gnome.” -Perverted alien 2.

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THE BEET

Police unable to stem theft, shift focus to aggressive parking ticket campaign

By Jared Holloway | Oct. 6, 2016

Following a number of failed attempts by Madison police and UW-Madison to reduce bicycle and other petty theft on campus, MPD Chief Mike Koval issued a statement indicating the department’s new focus. “To effectively utilize our resources, we must focus on what we can do best,” Kovel said during the groundbreaking press conference.

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THE BEET

Scott Walker proposes replacing SERF rec facility with 272-foot-tall statue of self

By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 6, 2016

The SERF, slated for demolition May 1, has been zoned for a new recreational facility. Construction on the structure is planned for early 2017.

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THE BEET

Voters unaware that Jill Stein was giving them the silent treatment

By Marc Tost | Oct. 6, 2016

In July, in a Green Party press release, presidential candidate Jill Stein outlined her plans to give America the “silent treatment.” Stein stated that until voters decide to act their age, they would not receive any attention from her.

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THE BEET

The Five Marks of a Good President

By Jacob Borowsky | Oct. 3, 2016

Well folks, election season is almost upon us. This year we have two awesome contenders for the elusive Oval Office: Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Donald “Kingslayer” Trump, who earned his nickname for his striking resemblance to “Game of Thrones” character Jamie “Kingslayer” Lannister. If you are one of the many people who think either candidate would be awful, federalism does a decent job of stunting executive power, so fret not.

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THE BEET

Between the Sheets: A guide to kinky communication: part 1

By Anna Welch | Oct. 3, 2016

What do you think of when you hear the terms “Kinky” or “BDSM?” Do they conjure images of dominatrixes with whips?

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THE BEET

Britain votes to leave European continent

By Patrick Hoeppner | Sep. 29, 2016

The Parliament of Great Britain voted, in a sudden measure Sept. 26, to leave the European continent.

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THE BEET

Hillary Clinton voted America’s sexiest candidate

By Hossein Rostam | Sep. 29, 2016

A poll of UW students has shown Hillary Clinton is considered the sexiest presidential candidate, followed closely by Gary Johnson, with Donald Trump and Jill Stein tied for third place.  This poll comes on the heels of Monday night’s presidential debate, where Donald Trump presented carefully thought-out policy decisions while Ms. Clinton presented a shiny pantsuit. “She’s lit af,” claims sophomore Abby Schmaltz, “Next Saturday.

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THE BEET

Wisconsin fan intercepts Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor from the stands

By Jacob Borowsky | Sep. 29, 2016

Late in the third quarter of Saturday’s Badgers triumph at Michigan State, one Badgers fan made a crucial play that would seal the Badgers commanding lead for good. With four minutes left to play in the quarter, on a 3rd-down and 14, Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor dropped back to pass when he saw Badgers LB Jack Cichy coming around the left end of the offensive line.

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THE BEET

The Screeching Summer Solstice

By Ayomide Awosika | Sep. 26, 2016

 “Shit!” I yell as I scramble out of bed at 5:20 a.m.

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THE BEET

Naive freshman answers call from parents while at party

By Grady Gibson | Sep. 23, 2016

Stumbling through a room full of girls he had failed to get the numbers of, Matt Blaker, a UW-Madison freshman, had one task on his mind: successfully convincing his parents that he was anything but partying. Correspondents on the scene of a Mifflin Street house party last Friday night reportedly overheard bits and pieces of a disgruntled phone call he was engaged in at 1:45 in the morning. “I don’t think he realized that anyone talking to him over the phone would have heard Kanye West playing in the background,” said a field reporter. “It was a mess,” another correspondent stated.

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THE BEET

Upcoming iPhone 7s rumored to do away with battery completely

By Noah Mack | Sep. 23, 2016

Following the iPhone 7’s Sept. 7 release, rumors have already surfaced that the iPhone 7s will lack a battery or any form of electronic capability. The rumors were born after Apple CEO Tim Cook was interviewed by The Daily Cardinal reporters and asked about the new specs coming in six months.

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THE BEET

UW-Madison fraternity to host legendary ‘Shots for Tots’ charity night

By Donovan McBride | Sep. 23, 2016

Hoping to spur positive discussions about philanthropy and child welfare, UW-Madison fraternity DSD announced Monday a brand-new event on campus, set for the 24th of September.

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THE BEET

Between the Sheets: No more nonsense: putting an end to ghosting and games

By Anna Welch | Sep. 19, 2016

For my first article of the 2016 academic year, I want to talk about something close to home for me, both literally and figuratively.

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THE BEET

Pack of local children assault area man mistaken for ice-cream truck driver

Sep. 15, 2016

David Chandler, a 26-year-old Madison resident, was pulled from his sedan and beaten by a posse of hungry youngsters while driving down Wilshire Lane Tuesday. Janine Thompson, loving mother of one of the young’uns, witnessed the assault. “He was driving down our street playing the ice-cream song, the one that goes ‘dada-dum dum dee dee lada-dadadada,’ and my son Timmy, bless his soul, came inside asking for money.

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THE BEET

UW extends friendly reminder to fraternities to not kill any pledges this hazing season

By Dylan Anderson | Sep. 15, 2016

UW-Madison sent a cordial recommendation via email to every active fraternity member on campus Wednesday to refrain from accidentally or intentionally murdering any of their new pledging members. Adding that it would be really nice to avoid being embarrassed on a national level, the reminder mentioned that the university discourages hazing in any form but understands that it can sometimes be a necessary part of brotherhood. “Are guys going to get hurt?

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THE BEET

Scientists surprised to find perfectly habitable planet right under their feet

By Liam Hutchison | Sep. 15, 2016

Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have definitively concluded their search for a life-sustaining planet after realizing that Earth itself met all of their requirements with flying colors, deeming their intergalactic search redundant and, frankly, quite silly. According to research scientist Elisa Quintana, the real kicker is that,  given their own existence, they should’ve realized Earth is life-sustaining long, long ago. “Astonishing,” she says, “that we spent so many years in the lab ‘pouring over deep-space models, eating, defecating and making love’ without ever connecting their inherently lively activities to other biotic life right here on Earth.” “It’s like losing your glasses,” said Dr. Paul Hertz, director of NASA’s astrophysics division.