The Beet

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Publisher set to release textbook’s highly anticipated ninth edition

New York-based publishing giant Briggs and Briggs announced Wednesday their much-anticipated ninth edition of “Textbooks: A Modus Operandi,” the authoritative textbook on the art of crafting and marketing textbooks. Written by renowned economics scholar Max Abeuse, “A Modus Operandi” has become a perennial success and new-age classic with eight rereleases since its 2010 debut.

Renowned sexpert suggests public urination, chemistry lessons as top ways to combat sexual frustration

The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately  attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits. The world renowned expert of sex, Aleigha “pound-town” Haut, sat down with two Cardinal reporters to discuss why the increasing trend is actually a positive thing.  Known for her new book “51 Shades of Get It On,” Haut has counseled countless couples to be the best they can be for their partner.

Top Speculations about Jesus’ Middle Name

Almanac Animal Review: Proboscis Monkey

GOP candidates dodge questions about injuries sustained in post-debate scuffle

Between the Sheets: Feminist porn and where to find it, a beginners guide

Whether Sunday was a day of wining and dining with a valentine, or if it had more of an alone-and-fine-with-it (or pretending to be fine with it) vibe, one thing unites us all on the day of love: searching for porn on the Internet.

‘Cam Newton is childish,’ says grown man who watches sports for a living

Following Cam Newton’s abrupt exit from a Super Bowl press conference, ESPN anchor Kevin Mendelson, who watches sports for a living, described the Panthers QB’s actions as “childish,” according to multiple sources. Newton left the press conference without an explanation.

‘Enhanced interrogation’ propels Ted Cruz to family game night victory

Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz emerged victorious after family game night in the Cruz home Wednesday.

Corduroy pillows make headlines across the country

The new nationwide trend of corduroy pillows has recently reached the Madison community. Madison citizens can be seen in coffee shops, on bicycles or even strolling down State Street while sporting freshly pressed lines across their cheeks. Designer pillow extraordinaire Kevin Thomas gave Daily Cardinal reporters some insight as to why the trend has caught on so quickly.

Almanac Animal Review: Seahorses

Seahorses at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back. CAREER GOALS: Eventually overthrow the tyranny of real horses, travel at 5.1 feet per hour, make back a little less weird-looking. PRIMARY FLAWS: Extremely self-conscious of weird-looking back, nobody seems to know why they even exist, can’t be trusted for any reason.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Close advisor to Usain Bolt, able to distort back in a pretty gross way, males are able to birth children by carrying them inside their duderuses. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Water... particularly ocean water. Final Score: 9.53/10 FULL REVIEW:  When visiting my tailor in southern Indiana last week, I was abducted by a group of inland Somali pirates who couldn’t resist a man with a well-fitting suit.

Ten things you didn't know you do wrong

1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea. 2. Believing in Bigfoot, not Sasquatch. 3.

PSA to New Hampshire Voters: Superstorm Donald is on its way

Preliminary research suggests Bucky may not be real badger

Millions of prayers answered as God remembers cell phone passcode

Prosperity and joy were felt around the world this morning after God, creator of the heavens and the earth, remembered his cell phone passcode following a multi-millennia lockout. According to sources close to God, the lockout started as a prank by God’s former angel, Satan.

Ted Cruz’s fear of water may present campaign hurdles in coastal states

Between the Sheets: Learning about slut shaming and how we can 'Beat It'

Let’s consider slutty brownies for a moment; craveable cookie dough on the bottom, warm and gooey brownie on the top, with a layer of still-crunchy oreos in between—a combination so unforgivingly delicious it makes people feel guilty about enjoying it.  Whoever named this dessert had the right idea about what it means to be “slutty”—divinely indulgent and not apologizing for it.

Joaquín 'El Chapo' Guzmán draws third straight 'get out of jail free' card

Late Friday night, Joaquín Guzmán, aka “El Chapo” drew his third consecutive get out of jail free card in a heated game of Monopoly, to the outrage of his opponents. El Chapo, the famous drug kingpin and part-time Rolling Stone admirer, was recently recaptured and imprisoned by Mexican law enforcement.

Sophomore's interest in charity event proves 'like' worthy

UW-Madison sophomore Dean Strutterman was pleasantly surprised Friday night upon discovering three Facebook friends had “liked” that he expressed interest in attending an event.  Strutterman, who described his initial interest as “tentative at best,” still found comfort in his friends’ positive endorsement through social media.  “I was super stoked when I clicked my notifications and saw three people liked that I was thinking about going,” he said.  The charity concert, Melting Faces for Teen Pregnancy, was held Wednesday night at a local coffee shop four blocks from Strutterman’s apartment, and featured local bands ranging in genre from “straight-up metal” to “jazzy power-slop.”  Attendees were asked to donate “as much or little as they can to support education and outreach efforts addressing teen pregnancy in Wisconsin,” according to the event description.  Regrettably, Strutterman was not able to attend the event, though he was pleased with himself for thinking about going.

Male student 'almost positive' that TA is into him

The relevance of Iowa revealed in one simple chart