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Wednesday, December 04, 2024

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Almanac Animal Review: Kangaroos

By Noah Mack and Liam Hutchison | Jan. 25, 2016

Almanac Kangaroo Review Kangaroos at a glance Physical Traits: Powerful thighs, adorable little arms, useful pouch in mid-region (different than stomach), stupid look on face. Career Goals: Sling mad dope, compete in long-jump, produce offspring, enjoy retirement, wipe stupid look off face. Primary Flaws: Selfish in group situations, lacks ability to rationalize existence, always has dumb look on face. Special Abilities: Laser eyes, heat-seeking roundhouse kick, consistently stupid look on face. Place of Residence: The Australian outback (steakhouse) with $6 specials until Thursday. Final Score: 7/10 FULL REVIEW: Recently on one of my many soul-searching expeditions to Australia I encountered the wonderful animal called the kangaroo.

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Twelve-year-old asks Santa for puberty

By Dylan Anderson | Dec. 24, 2015

Local 12-year-old Eli Gardner asked a mall Santa Claus if he could receive puberty for Christmas this year. The pre-teen repeatedly communicated that his only request for a gift this holiday season was for his body to begin sexual maturation and rapid growth. “I don’t have a single hair on my junk,” Gardner told fascinated Cardinal reporters.

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College-friendly contraception: choosing what works for you

By Anna Welch | Nov. 30, 2015

Hopefully Thanksgiving break left us feeling thankful for at least a couple of things. A loving family, good friends and no unwanted pregnancies topped my list this year. Considering the fact that according to the Guttmacher Institute 51 percent of U.S. pregnancies are unplanned, it’s no joke to be thankful for being baby-free. While there are tons of methods out there to prevent pregnancy, there are some that are more suited to collegiate life than others.

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How to carve out some sexy time while giving thanks

By Anna Welch | Nov. 23, 2015

While being home for the holidays might temporarily relieve some academic pressure, it can cause a buildup of sexual tension. Something about high caloric foods and having a little free time lowers inhibitions and brings back those urges that midterms suppressed for too long.

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Between the Sheets: Aziz Ansari’s advice on how to charm the pants off a holiday hottie

By Whitney Newman and Anna Welch | Nov. 17, 2015

We are fast approaching that warm and fuzzy time of year that brings with it the urge to curl up with a big ol’ bowl of Chex Mix and a love bug. Something about sweaters and commercial holidays leads people to want to pair off and find some mistletoe to snog under, but with the smorgasbord of sweet thangs our campus has to offer, deciding who to hit up can be intimidating.

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