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Elden Ring review
By Jeffrey Brown | Mar. 1, 2022Elden Ring is nothing like Marvel's award-winning 2018 action-adventure game.
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Breaking News: Duolingo Owl and Bucky Badger's relationship confirmed
By Angela Glowacki | Feb. 28, 2022Sources reported that Bucky and Duo were stumbling down State Street, paw in wing, haphazardly pushing unsuspecting students off the sidewalk.
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Students petition for more gargoyles on campus buildings
By Jeffrey Brown | Feb. 25, 2022After noticing a lack of gargoyle presence on campus, students are calling for the creatures to be atop every building.
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What different celebrities have for a post-sex snack
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24, 2022No celebrity dieticians here
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Chancellor Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat seen on hot and heavy Valentine’s Day escapade
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24, 2022Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat's Valentine's Day outing scars students, further solidifying the fact that this is Bucky's campus
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Woman breaks up with fiancé after discovering he eats Trix cereal — ‘I thought he was a man, not a kid’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 23, 2022After catching her fiance eating the cereal, Stacy Morgan had to face the fact that Trix are for kids.
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Juwan Howard slaps doctor after medical assistant tests blood pressure: ‘I had to protect myself’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 21, 2022Following Juwan Howard's outburst after the Michigan menu's basketball team lost to Wisconsin, previous victims speak out.
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UW campus site of gruesome murder, authorities posit likely cause
By Aycia Tevris | Feb. 17, 2022Cucumber found maimed, foul play assumed.
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Melting, mud-crusted snowman reminds passersby of youth’s fleeting nature
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 16, 2022How long do I really have left? Am I closer to being six feet underground than I am to being the age where I woke up on a snow day and played outside before cozying up in a warm blanket, drinking a hot chocolate?
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UW-Madison average GPA, attendance skyrockets after fake IDs fail to scan
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 15, 2022Grades and attendance have improved since underage students were left without working fake IDs, but not without cost.
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Couple enters committed relationship after meeting in Kwik Trip candy aisle
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 14, 2022"I noticed that he was looking back and forth between the Kit Kats and the Hershey bars. I couldn't help but think, 'If I were this guy's girlfriend, we could buy one of each and share.'"
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Mediocre white man rightfully earns Hollywood star
By Angela Glowacki | Feb. 10, 2022“I just drunk tweeted that I wanted one and the internet shit its pants.”
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TikTok users successfully push to bring back GE 1964 Americana Refrigerator
By Jeffrey Brown | Feb. 10, 2022Originating on Twitter, TikTok users have successfully swayed General Electric to bring back the 1964 GE Americana Refrigerator.
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Joe Manchin nabs Best Actor Oscar nomination for role of ‘politician who just thinks we should hear each other out’
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 9, 2022It's exceedingly rare for someone who has had zero hand in any film to earn an Oscar nomination, let alone someone who is doing guerilla-style acting in their day-to-day life under their own name.
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NFL considering cancelling Super Bowl LVI due to growing concern that Bengals, Lions fans are too happy
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 8, 2022“We can have one underdog to keep the people interested, but two? That disrupts everything.”
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Daily Cardinal office mice to be exterminated after conclusion that they have no potential to be chefs
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Over the last two months, a mischief of mice has emerged in The Daily Cardinal office. During this period, the rodents have received reactions ranging from abject fear to calls for them to become office pets.
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Tom Brady’s TB12 diet altered to include Pop-Tarts, Domino’s, margaritas following retirement
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Immediately following his retirement from the National Football League, Tom Brady has altered his widely-touted TB12 Method.
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Ben Roethlisberger retires to spend more time with the birds that live in his beard
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022Citing the short lifespan of small wild birds, Ben Roethlisberger has decided to retire from the NFL to spend more time with the birds that live in his beard.
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Chumbawamba's 'Tubthumping' now playing on constant loop in campus bathrooms
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 3, 2022University officials respond to public bathroom anxiety by installing speakers to play the 1997 hit.
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Bucky Badger sets off Camp Randall fire alarm after forgetting gopher in oven
By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 1, 2022Bucky Badger forgot to take the traditional post-win gopher he planned to eat out of the oven, setting off Camp Randall's fire alarm.
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