Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”
—Have to start reading for fun now.
In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the Anheuser-Busch-backed, possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’
In an unsettling revelation for friends, family, classmates and administration alike, UW-Madison junior Lane Laiman, 21, who was thought to be studying abroad for the semester in Spain, was spotted Monday afternoon—bearded and pant-less—rooting around a local wooded area with a large stick in hand.
Coming to a halt in the middle of the dairy aisle and reviewing her options, local psychopath Betsy Hudson, 45, opted for bagged milk as opposed to the logically sound and psychologically stable choices of milk by jug or carton.
Citing mental anguish, leading to deep, widespread physical pain, as well as “spiritual devastation,” Oshkosh, Wisconsin resident-drunk Thomas Giles, 42, has reported to local media that he is ‘Questionable’ for getting absolutely shit-housed during Sunday’s NFL finale.
In the most recent occurrence of a growing epidemic, an undoubtedly ashamed sensor-automated toilet flusher has come prematurely.
This past Saturday evening, complementing his record-breaking rushing performance and preceding Badger football’s famous Jump Around tradition, running back Melvin Gordon decided to bail on the remainder of the lopsided matchup versus conference rival Nebraska and run all the way from Camp Randall to The Kollege Klub.
With a shift into reverse, a reach of his arm behind the passenger’s seat and a swivel of his head, local father Frank Humphrey assured his entire family Tuesday night that backing into the targeted parking spot would “pay off big time.”
—The Baha Men are performing at Freakfest at last.
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Solutions by The State News
