No. 19 Wisconsin (1-2 Big Ten, 9-4 overall) walked away with a victory in its Big Ten home opener against No. 7 Illinois (2-1, 11-3) Wednesday, winning 25-16, 25-21, 21-25 and 25-22.
I love the NFL Draft. Seeing 22-year-olds get picked up by teams hoping to be the next Brian Urlacher or Peyton Manning, when they could as easily be the next Akili Smith or Tony Mandarich. Hell, I love any kind of sports draft; NBA, MLB, MLS, Fantasy, I even watched the 2010 WNBA Draft because I wanted to know which NBA pro Tina Charles matched up with. I think what is so tantalizing about these over-hyped, never-remembered events is the prospect of potential.
Jumanji is still the scariest movie I’ve ever seen, which is weird to say because I feel like no movie featuring Robin Williams should invoke fear (even you, One Hour Photo). I always try to re-engage myself into the movie, but every time I start, I get scared like the five-year-old I was when I first experienced the horror that includes giant mosquitos, stampedes and Kirsten Dunst’s attempt at acting. It’s because of this movie and other events I’d like to invoke a new phrase into our collective dictionaries: nostalgic remission.
Alright readers (mom and her co-workers who grin at her when she forces them to read my articles), I’ve decided to change my whole shtick of being a “comedic writer” and focus on something important: advice. As you all (all five of you, that is) know, I have given you advice on band names, gaining Twitter followers and how to oppose the communist agenda; but now it’s my full-time gig. Please send me your emails. Oh, here’s one:
What makes us laugh? Woah, woah, that’s a loaded question. Let’s start from the beginning. Actually no, just kidding, that is the beginning. There seems to be a few theories as to why we find things humorous, and many come from the most overrated and most overquoted psychologist, Sigmund Freud (I’m a closet Jungian).
Twitter is fun. It’s a mindless way to pass the time by reading about what your favorite celebrities ate for breakfast or which politicians my friends despise. But sometimes I don’t care what other people have to say because what I have to say is much more important. Sadly, I don’t have enough followers yet. Never fear, self (and those who read this); I have a foolproof plan for you to gain Twitter followers in a snap, crackle and pop.
Warning: If you do not like the indie music scene, then you might not understand my article. Hell, who I am kidding, I could write about puppies and tic-tac-toe and no one would understand my articles.
When I was younger, my hero wasn’t a sports figure, or an actor, or a family member; my hero was Bugs Bunny. He was funny, witty and above all else, a trickster.
OK, I have spent the last four years of my life working in the restaurant business. It started when I was 16 and was a busboy for a Wisconsin restaurant chain in my hometown. The next year, I got a job as a host at a different chain restaurant, and the following two years I have worked as a waiter in a restaurant here in Madison. I have learned a lot in my experiences, and I’d love to share them with my future customers, co-workers and people that give crappy reviews on Yelp even if they never ate at the restaurant. Here’s a question I get a lot: Why does my waiter smell like an ashtray? Well it’s quite simple (and stupid); at restaurants employees work weird hours and will do anything to catch a break from the hectic bustling of serving tables. And since the state requires businesses respect smoking breaks, many waiters will pick up smoking to get five minutes to themselves. As a non-smoker, I can’t stand smelling cigarette smoke near my food, and I also respect waiters and bartenders who are busy but take their “mandatory breaks” less than those that work consistently. Hey, I know you want to text your friend what your plans are after the night, but just go in the bathroom like a normal person and do it. On the topic of waiters, we are the worst. Since most waiters only get paid by tips, (waiters actually make an hourly wage of $2.33 per hour, but most of it is taken by taxes [stupid government, what have you ever done for me?]), they will do anything to get a few extra dollars. Waiters will steal tables from coworkers, they will always recommend the most expensive dish on the menu, and they will cater your every need just at the prospect of a 20 percent tip. But here’s the thing, a 20 percent tip isn’t that much for what the waiter is doing. While a customer is at a table, the waiter is getting them waters, bringing over drinks, taking orders, refilling waters, bringing them food, getting pepper or parmesan cheese for the table, checking up on the table, boxing up the food, bringing over the dessert menu, and then giving the bill. It’s a lot of work for a table that could spend as little as $40, the least a customer could do is reward the waiter for caring so much, because once again, that’s all the waiter gets paid with. There’s a saying, “if you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out.” (Sidenote: The reason why waiters have a certain wage that is below minimum wage is to keep food costs down; if waiters were paid minimum wage then that $8 burger you’re eating would cost about $14. You don’t want that). However, I think everyone should be a waiter for at least a few months to learn one crucial skill: humility. As a waiter, you are the face to the customer. They don’t know who’s in the kitchen, who’s expediting, who’s the manager and who’s the bartender. So whenever one of these people screws up, you’re the one that has to apologize. “I’m sorry that your food had a gray hair in it, let me go fix that!” I say smiling, while contemplating where I hide the body of the cook (also wondering how a gray hair got in the food when all the cooks have black hair while the customer has gray, hm…). Working in a restaurant is a sweaty, agonizing, stressful experience, but I and many other people like it. I’ve always said the best job during college is working at a restaurant because you can just work over the weekends and make a good amount of money. So next time you want to bitch out your waiter for forgetting to refill your waters, just know that they are doing 50 other things at once. Oh, and they’re also handling your food. Enjoy. Share your worst restaurant experience with Michael by emailing mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
Dan Deacon's spirit animal is a human being; however his music is anything but ordinary. Deacon has transformed his music from glitchy to syncopated, and on his new album America, beautiful. In an interview he credited They Might Be Giants, his roots in the high school band, and the need to make music lest he go insane amongst his reasons for becoming a musician. Tonight he takes Madison by electronic storm.
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