Jordan Simon

---

Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing

After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.

Hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne that somehow further accentuates her jawline

In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.

Chess junkie or not, 'The Queen's Gambit' is a must-watch

The new Netflix mini-series "The Queen's Gambit" is a story worth knowing, regardless of your chess expertise.

Harbaugh says team has spent hours studying tape from Wisconsin game after bitter defeat

Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.

Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?

UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”

Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin

Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.

List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing

If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party

Spooky Time??

As we embark on this spooky spooky time,

A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic

You can’t. It’s cancelled.

Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion

As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.

Screen Shot 2020-09-09 at 8.56.36 PM.png

Screen Shot 2020-09-09 at 9.48.01 PM.png

Screen Shot 2020-03-04 at 1.32.13 PM.png

Elizabeth Warren answers questions at a press conference following Super Tuesday.

Screen Shot 2020-02-19 at 5.59.07 PM.png

Elizabeth Warren tries to appeal to voters by presenting her salamander knowledge. "This is a Fire Salamander," she says.

Screen Shot 2020-02-05 at 4.54.22 PM.png

“Hot as balls” is a commonly used phrase, but what exactly is its appropriate use? Read to find out more!